May 012012
Authors: Matt Miller

I’m not going to sugar coat it. The column I write at the end of every semester is always one that’s as easy for me to write as it is easy for you to read. This will be my last column for the Collegian, and since I have always focused my writings on culture-related musings, why not end the last year-and-a-half with a list of movies coming out this summer that everyone will see regardless of quality.

It will be simple; it will be fun and if you have other more pressing things on your mind, then feel free to stop reading now and focus your attention elsewhere.

Here we go:

“The Avengers” –– “The Avengers” has been long-awaited since every nerd sat through the credits of “Iron Man” to watch Samuel L. Jackson make his first appearance as S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury. It’s overflowing with all the Marvel superheroes everyone loves, including the ones no one cares about like Hawkeye and Black Widow. It will likely make a lot of money, and it will likely be too overwhelmed with big Hollywood actor egos and pointless action. The good news: it’s being directed by Joss Whedon, the TV genius who brought us “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Firefly.”

“Battleship” –– This movie is based off a board game, and not even a fun board game –– a board game where you randomly call out number and letter combinations to your equally bored opponent in hopes that you hit a corresponding boat in order to end the game as soon as possible. If you’ve seen the trailer you already know that they didn’t add much to the plot that those wise storytellers at Hasbro didn’t already put into the game. Everyone will see this movie because it has explosions, but anyone who is smart will see this movie to watch Liam Neeson murder what’s left of his career and to see Rihanna’s acting debut.

“The Amazing Spider-Man” –– As a kid my favorite superhero was Spiderman. He was a funny, nerdy superhero who never took himself too seriously. In 2007 “Spiderman 3” ruined that all for me, because now whenever I think of my favorite superhero I can only picture Tobey Maguire dancing in that painful jazz number as black suit, emo Spiderman. Luckily the director and entire cast of “Spiderman 3” had nothing to do with “The Amazing Spider-Man.” Does that mean I can get over past and go see this movie? Probably.

“Men in Black 3” –– Is it just me or does Will Smith never seem to age? Look at the first “Men in Black” then watch the trailer for “Men in Black 3.” Yeah, he hasn’t aged a day. You can even watch “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” reruns and he’ll look exactly the same. Spooky. The only explanation is he is one of those aliens hiding on Earth in disguise just like in the “Men in Black” movies. Everyone will go see this movie even though not many people realize that it’s actually a true story.

“The Dark Knight Rises” –– This movie will be awesome. Director Christopher Nolan has never made a bad movie. Seriously, look at his IMDB page. “The Dark Knight Rises” will also make a lot of money. There is hope for mankind yet.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” –– I will be seeing this movie regardless of its quality. Come on: Honest Abe as a vampire hunter. In the trailer it shows Lincoln chopping cherry trees in half in one swing. It’s as if the filmmakers knew exactly how I always imagined the 16th president of the U.S.

“Ted” –– So, “Ted” is the first live-action, full-length directorial debut of Seth Macfarlane, the man who brought us “Family Guy,” “American Dad” and “The Cleveland Show” –– three television shows that are exactly the same, except with different titles. In “Ted,” Mark Wahlberg is a regular guy who lives with his teddy bear he wished alive as a kid. The walking, talking teddy bear is Wahlberg’s best bud that no one questions why or how it is walking and talking. Sounds a lot like Brian from “Family Guy” or the talking fish from “American Dad” or the talking bear from “The Cleveland Show.” At least it’s not cartoons this time! Why mess with success?!

News Editor Matt Miller is a senior journalism major. His column will never again appear on Wednesdays in the Collegian. He would like to thank anyone who took the time to read his column, and hopes they enjoyed reading it as much as he enjoyed writing it. He can be reached at or on Twitter

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