Iâ€™m not going to sugar coat it. The column I write at the end of every semester is always one thatâ€™s as easy for me to write as it is easy for you to read. This will be my last column for the Collegian, and since I have always focused my writings on culture-related musings, why not end the last year-and-a-half with a list of movies coming out this summer that everyone will see regardless of quality.
It will be simple; it will be fun and if you have other more pressing things on your mind, then feel free to stop reading now and focus your attention elsewhere.
Here we go:
â€œThe Avengersâ€ â€“â€“ â€œThe Avengersâ€ has been long-awaited since every nerd sat through the credits of â€œIron Manâ€ to watch Samuel L. Jackson make his first appearance as S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury. Itâ€™s overflowing with all the Marvel superheroes everyone loves, including the ones no one cares about like Hawkeye and Black Widow. It will likely make a lot of money, and it will likely be too overwhelmed with big Hollywood actor egos and pointless action. The good news: itâ€™s being directed by Joss Whedon, the TV genius who brought us â€œBuffy the Vampire Slayerâ€ and â€œFirefly.â€
â€œBattleshipâ€ â€“â€“ This movie is based off a board game, and not even a fun board game â€“â€“ a board game where you randomly call out number and letter combinations to your equally bored opponent in hopes that you hit a corresponding boat in order to end the game as soon as possible. If youâ€™ve seen the trailer you already know that they didnâ€™t add much to the plot that those wise storytellers at Hasbro didnâ€™t already put into the game. Everyone will see this movie because it has explosions, but anyone who is smart will see this movie to watch Liam Neeson murder whatâ€™s left of his career and to see Rihannaâ€™s acting debut.
â€œThe Amazing Spider-Manâ€ â€“â€“ As a kid my favorite superhero was Spiderman. He was a funny, nerdy superhero who never took himself too seriously. In 2007 â€œSpiderman 3â€ ruined that all for me, because now whenever I think of my favorite superhero I can only picture Tobey Maguire dancing in that painful jazz number as black suit, emo Spiderman. Luckily the director and entire cast of â€œSpiderman 3â€ had nothing to do with â€œThe Amazing Spider-Man.â€ Does that mean I can get over past and go see this movie? Probably.
â€œMen in Black 3â€ â€“â€“ Is it just me or does Will Smith never seem to age? Look at the first â€œMen in Blackâ€ then watch the trailer for â€œMen in Black 3.â€ Yeah, he hasnâ€™t aged a day. You can even watch â€œFresh Prince of Bel Airâ€ reruns and heâ€™ll look exactly the same. Spooky. The only explanation is he is one of those aliens hiding on Earth in disguise just like in the â€œMen in Blackâ€ movies. Everyone will go see this movie even though not many people realize that itâ€™s actually a true story.
â€œThe Dark Knight Risesâ€ â€“â€“ This movie will be awesome. Director Christopher Nolan has never made a bad movie. Seriously, look at his IMDB page. â€œThe Dark Knight Risesâ€ will also make a lot of money. There is hope for mankind yet.
â€œAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunterâ€ â€“â€“ I will be seeing this movie regardless of its quality. Come on: Honest Abe as a vampire hunter. In the trailer it shows Lincoln chopping cherry trees in half in one swing. Itâ€™s as if the filmmakers knew exactly how I always imagined the 16th president of the U.S.
â€œTedâ€ â€“â€“ So, â€œTedâ€ is the first live-action, full-length directorial debut of Seth Macfarlane, the man who brought us â€œFamily Guy,â€ â€œAmerican Dadâ€ and â€œThe Cleveland Showâ€ â€“â€“ three television shows that are exactly the same, except with different titles. In â€œTed,â€ Mark Wahlberg is a regular guy who lives with his teddy bear he wished alive as a kid. The walking, talking teddy bear is Wahlbergâ€™s best bud that no one questions why or how it is walking and talking. Sounds a lot like Brian from â€œFamily Guyâ€ or the talking fish from â€œAmerican Dadâ€ or the talking bear from â€œThe Cleveland Show.â€ At least itâ€™s not cartoons this time! Why mess with success?!
News Editor Matt Miller is a senior journalism major. His column will never again appear on Wednesdays in the Collegian. He would like to thank anyone who took the time to read his column, and hopes they enjoyed reading it as much as he enjoyed writing it. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter