In the brief semester and a half that Iâ€™ve known you people, Iâ€™ve received death threats, been heckled in lecture halls and have even been slushied in the face, â€œGleeâ€ style. But through all of our ups and downs together, I think weâ€™ve all learned one important thing here.
Iâ€™m a badass. And the CSU student body is just going to have to learn how to deal with that.
Comedians like Chelsea Handler, Tim Minchin and Jimmy Carr are the bread and butter of my daily life. And while their influence has managed to mold me into something so twisted, dark and horrendously indecent that no man in his right mind would ever bring me home to meet his mother, Iâ€™ve also become strong, independent and intimidating. Iâ€™d say thatâ€™s a pretty good trade off.
So here it is, my precious little Ramlets. How to be a badass in three simple steps.
Never apologize for f**ing up*
The comments I receive from my editor on a regular basis are generally along the lines of: tone it down, this is offensive, why would you write about somebody getting stabbed? and stop saying the word â€œf***â€ all the time. And while I appreciate the criticism I receive, Iâ€™m never going to apologize for the way I write or what I have to say, no matter how many Mormons I offend.
You should apply this concept to your daily life. Did you get super drunk and throw up all over your neighborâ€™s cat? Donâ€™t apologize. Did you sext your ex while dating somebody else? Donâ€™t apologize. Did you publish an editorial entitled: â€œTaser this. F*** Bushâ€? Donâ€™t you dare apologize.
The only way I ever manage to get away with drunkenly hitchhiking or throwing up in my exâ€™s air conditioning vents is by owning it. Apologizing says to the world, â€œmy behavior is socially unacceptable.â€ Well I donâ€™t know about you, but I refuse to accept the fact that dressing up like the clown from â€œItâ€ and then passing out in a strangerâ€™s shed is something I should be humiliated about.
Love your haters
A wise, wise man once said, â€œLove your haters. You made them.â€
No statement could be more accurate. People are always going to hate. Whether itâ€™s for your odd romantic obsession with dead Latin American communist leaders or your Beanie Baby key chain, people are just looking for an excuse to bring you down.
Donâ€™t ever back down because of haters.
Instead of getting pissed off or having a little cry about it, take the hate as a compliment. Say â€œthank youâ€ for that cherry slushie that gets thrown in your face. Because while it may not be pleasant to walk to class covered in cold, sticky sugar, it means that people are taking notice of you. You are being heard.
If everyone likes you, it means you arenâ€™t standing up for anything important. Youâ€™re spineless. Instead of taking the backseat, speak up and make somebody mad enough to write you a hate letter. People may not like you, but at least theyâ€™ll respect you.
Go Hard or Go Home
Hereâ€™s the thing. Figure out what you want to do and make it happen. Stop using daily life, relationships or herpes as an excuse to fail.
I agree that penises are awesome. But there is not a single one in this entire world that is awesome enough to turn me into a soccer mom with four kids.
People get complacent in life and they lose their passion as soon as things get hard. Thatâ€™s weak, man. Real badasses understand that trading your dreams for financial security and a significant other will never make you happy. Itâ€™ll just make you fat.
So go hard with everything you do or go home. If you want to be a ballerina, go audition for the New York Ballet Company and Flashdance that sh*t. If youâ€™re going out to the club, donâ€™t half ass it. Do 10 tequila shots and dance on the freaking bar. Most people go through life terrified of living and terrified of failing. You may never get that fantasy series book deal. But donâ€™t ever stop writing about fairies and stalking literary agents if thatâ€™s your dream.
So there it is, little Ramlets. Donâ€™t apologize, love the haters and go hard. If you do all that, you will be fledgling badasses ready to leave the nest.
And youâ€™ll be more like me. Clearly the real goal over the past semester and a half has been molding you all into miniature Morgan Mayos.
What a strange and wonderful world that would be.
Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet againâ€¦
Morgan Mayo is a junior creative writing major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.