Feb 162012
Authors: Emily Altimari

In a campus-wide email that he sent a couple weeks ago, Tony Frank announced that he would be implementing some changes to the CSU campus using a portion of the $500 million from the Campaign for Colorado State.

Claiming that college is supposed to prepare students for the “real world,” Frank hired homeless people, vagabonds and street performers to roam the campus.

“Students will have to face people from all walks of life after graduation,” justifies the president, “and it’s my job as president — or El Presidente, as my wife calls me — to prepare them for these types of encounters”.

After a week of coexisting with these colorful characters, CSU students have had enough. Josh Curry, a fifth year undeclared senior, described his encounters with Tiny Tim to the Collegian stating, “The little guy broke my heart the first time I saw him outside of Clark, so naturally, I gave him the rest of my Red Bull. Then, every single day after that, he would hobble up to me and be all like, ‘Please sir, will you take me fishing before I die?’ I just don’t have time or enough Red Bull for that. Plus, I swear I saw him dancing without his crutch with that one homeless guy by Eddy — you know, the one who plays ‘Teach me how to Dougie’ on repeat on his boom box. I think he’s a phony, but he sure can Dougie.”

Other students expressed extreme fear of said vagabonds, claiming that they no longer feel comfortable on campus. “A lady who looks like that witch gypsy from ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ stalks me outside of the Natural Sciences building. She appears to brush her teeth with Nutella. I’m scared,” confesses anthropology major Mallory Jackson.

Apart from annoyance and fear, a small portion of the CSU student body is expressing sheer confusion regarding the situation.

“Wait, I like totes thought Tony meant that he was going to make CSU more like MTV’s ‘The Real World.’ I, like, already changed my Facebook status to ‘REAL WORLD FOCO NO REGRETS,’” lamented Kappa Kappa Gamma president, Leslie Friend.

Students are not the only ones with qualms about this drastic campus change; the CSU faculty is upset as well. Dr. Karl Junior of the foreign language department claims that the “bucket boys” outside of his office “create not I am intolerable happy racket” (Google Translation).

Critics of President Frank’s new policy argue that it reinforces laziness and encourages students to pursue careers as bums and street performers, especially in the current unstable economic environment. This has been the case with Soil Science major Zach Owens, who was very inspired by Frank’s policy.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been really good at painting entire body silver and sitting as still as a statue. It’s just my thing,” Owens said. “My mom thinks I’m really good at it too! I’ve been motivated by these performers and think I’m going to drop out of school and move to Barcelona to perform on the streets there. I mean, I’m not going to get a job out of college anyway, so I might as well follow my dreams.”

Instances like Zach’s are causing great uproar among the parents of CSU students, who have inundated Tony Frank’s office with complaints via email, telephone, fax and angry letters, some containing Small Pox.

In response to these grievances, Frank sent out another email explaining that he signed a year-long contract with these folk, and that the No. 1 rule of the “real world” is never to break a contract with a gypsy.

In the same email, Frank also revealed future plans to hire irritable DMV personnel to work in the Registrar’s office, and apathetic employees from the late-night shift at Steak and Shake to work in the dining halls, as further preparation for the “real world.”

Frank concluded the email with a playful but irrelevant “Go Cubs,” even though the Cubs, like his new policy, suck.

Emily Altimari is a junior zoology major. She is currently writing about “El Presidente” from Spain. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:45 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.