Feb 092012
Authors: Eugene Daniels

Welp! Four more days until Singles’ Awareness Day. The one day out of the year where we single folk get to feast on the stench of roses and sight of pink and red boxes full of vile chocolate. Okay, that’s a lie; I love all chocolate, even when it’s connected to S.A.D.

Okay, I’m done ranting. In all honesty, I really do hate Valentine’s Day — always have. I hated bringing those stupid heart-shaped cards to elementary school, and when I do actually have a girlfriend, I hate the idea that if I don’t do something on one day (all other things I do during the year be damned!) then I don’t love or really like her.

But this year, I’m going to try something new and appreciate the choices that those who celebrate this horrid day make. Just like we allow people like Newt Gingrich to run for president, I will allow you all to make me vomit for a full 24 hours.

Onto the Eugene quote to live by: “If you really do love someone, don’t tell them — show them the money! Telling is one thing, but showing someone that you love them, like them, want to take them to the back and handle some business or whatever, is more important. And do it more than just on Valentine’s Day because everyone is doing it on the 14th, so there is no sense of feeling special. Send flowers to her that say, “Just because it’s Thursday,” or give him shoes (especially if he owns Crocs) just because. Or buy lingerie because everybody wins when lace is involved.”

Today, instead of two questions, I will answer one. And because I got so many requests for “What should singles do on V-Day,” I will list my top three things you can do as single person to survive the heart bombs.

1. If you are truly embarrassed about being single while everyone around you is getting flowers and crap, send yourself a gift. Yeah, it’s tacky, but who cares? No one has to know! Just make sure you have a story about who you got it from or people are going to figure out you’re lonely.

2. Don’t go to any kind of dinner! Because all you are going to see are balloons and hearts and other bull. And if you’re really unlucky, you’ll see some guy sentence himself to a life in hell, otherwise known as an engagement.

3. Most importantly, if you are fortunate enough to be single, love yourself. Realize that being single doesn’t mean you’re unlovable (unless you really really suck, ya cheaters… you know who you are!). So to prove this, find ways to show yourself some love. Like I said, buy yourself a present or even make yourself a mix CD. The whole point is self-love, however you want to do it. If that equals candles and oils and a movie of adult content by yourself, hey, to each their own.

On to the question!


_Dear NoBS,

My girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, but (and I know you’re going to hate this) we still chat every once in a while. I already bought her Valentine’s Day gift in January and still think I should give it to her.

We broke up on amicable terms, or at least I think so, and there is no bad blood between the two of us. And honestly, I still love her a lot. I guess what I’m asking is if I should give her the gift and try to win her back, or take it back and run like hell?


Well, GiveTheGiftorKeeptheMoney,

First of all, after breaking up with someone, continuing to talk to them is a bad idea. It doesn’t allow for debrief time. It’s a time when you can look at the relationship, see what you learned from it and move on. So glad you realize that was as good an idea as sticking your hand in a blender.

The fact that you bought your gift so early kind of throws me; but I’m a procrastinator, so that could be it. Now that you have the gift and your deadline is fast approaching, here’s my advice.

A gift is just that: something you get for someone not for any reason besides your feeling as though they deserve it. The important thing is the feeling behind the gift, so if you feel the same emotions now as you did when you bought the gift, give it to her.

Unless you are broke, then take that mess back and buy a lap dance at A Hunt Club.

 Posted by at 4:31 pm

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