Itâ€™s me, Shaun. Iâ€™ve noticed youâ€™ve ignored my phone calls as of late. Iâ€™ve also noticed that youâ€™ve ignored my last 82 text messages, two candy-grams, a cookie-gram and three surprise visits to your home last weekend. Itâ€™s okay though, because I know you still love me. I guess theyâ€™re right; absence does make the heart grow fonder. Running from me works pretty well, too. Youâ€™re such a tease!
I remember the first time we met. I was in the Collegian office about to leave, but then you walked in and sat down beside me. I ended up staying another two hours. I remember I was wearing a t-shirt, I think, and you were wearing something that women wear sometimes. You looked so great. It took me like 10 minutes to work up the nerve to say hello, but when I finally did, you said hello back.
We had an instant connection â€“â€“ itâ€™s like you gave my heart a boner, metaphorically speaking, of course.
It really was love at first sight. I remember at one point when you werenâ€™t looking I leaned over and sniffed your hair. What was that, Pert Plus? Judging by your lack of dandruff I would assume so.
What a great first date. I so badly wanted to walk you to your car that night but you, being the womenâ€™s lib that you are, of course refused. Donâ€™t get mad when I tell you this, but I still followed you home that night just to make sure you got there safely. Trust me, there are a lot of crazy people out there, and I donâ€™t think I could live with myself if something happened to you.
Anyways, what are you doing this weekend? I heard about this great movie, and we should totally check it out. My mom said itâ€™s about this cat who sword fights. I think weâ€™d both like it since you have two cats, and Iâ€™m obviously into 17th century sword-play films.
Anyways, the movie is called â€œPuss in Boots,â€ which at first I thought sounded like a sex-picture, but according to a Christian movie review site, itâ€™s not. Itâ€™s actually only PG, so we donâ€™t even need a chaperone. Plus, I have a coupon so we donâ€™t have to pay that extra 75 cents to upgrade our popcorn â€“â€“ not that I wouldnâ€™t pay it, but Iâ€™m trying to save up for our first apartment.
By the way, I was at the mall yesterday and saw this really nice dress I wanted to get you. It was at this great store, have you heard of it? Itâ€™s called Lane Bryant. The stuff looked kind of big there, but I figured itâ€™s the pattern that matters, right? Plus, if it doesnâ€™t fit, Iâ€™m sure my mom would hem it in for you or maybe we could just hold onto it for when we have kids.
Speaking of which, and I know this is a bit premature, but what kind of names do you like? I was thinking our first son should be named after your father. Then maybe for the rest of our boys, their names could have some sort of theme. Maybe based off of a popular movie at the time or maybe the positions in which they were conceived.
How does â€œMissionary Dolon IIIâ€ sound to you?
I know youâ€™re wondering why I assume weâ€™ll have only boys, but trust me, my family is known for having very masculine sperm.
Anywho, I just want to tell you, I love you. I know those words can be thrown around sometimes without much merit, but I promise, Iâ€™ll always love you. Which is definitely more than that jerk Brad can say.
I still donâ€™t understand what you see in that guy. He seems like a grade-A turd to me. Heâ€™s probably the type of guy that would dump you if you ever became disfigured in a horrible grease-fire accident.
But guess what? I wouldnâ€™t. Iâ€™ll always be there for you, no matter how burnt youâ€™ve become. Iâ€™d be there to help pick out wigs,apply your burn ointment and even sweep up bits of you as they slough off onto the floor.
If thatâ€™s not true love, I donâ€™t know what is.
Well anyways, I have to get going now, but please consider the movie this weekend.
Oh and I forgot to tell you: you left your kitchen window unlocked again. Donâ€™t worry, I let myself in and locked it for you. I also tidied up a bit if you didnâ€™t notice. Hope to see you this weekend.
As always, desperately loving you!
Shaun Dolon is a junior journalism major. His column appears every other Friday in the Collegian. He can be reached at email@example.com and @shaundolon on Twitter.