Have you ever had an itch that only a Go-Gurt and a handful of Mike and Ikeâ€™s can scratch? Well if you have, then you may have diabetes and should stop reading this immediately and report to your healthcare provider. As for the rest of you, please continue as I intend to blow the proverbial doors off your un-learned brains.
Since I am new to the Collegian, I wanted to first introduce myself, that way in the future when I offend you, you can just revert back to this column before firing off angry letters to my editor.
Speaking of editors, I would like to give a quick shout out to Colleen who begged me to write for the Collegian. In return of course, I only asked that my face be permanently tattooed to her ass, which she has graciously agreed. Thank you, Colleen.
Now, since most of you donâ€™t know me, and lately there has been some unfavorable rumors going around about my past, I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.
Iâ€™m of course talking about the whole â€œsex offender thing.â€
Yes, I was accused of sexual deviance with a feline, but I was never convicted, and if you must know, that cat looked 18 and she had it coming. I hope this has cleared up any uncertainties that you may have about my character, and I hope this will be the last time we have to discuss this issue.
Now, many of you are probably asking yourselves, â€œI wonder how many â€˜Looney Tunesâ€™ leather jackets Shaun has?â€
Well, the answer is three.
I wear them all regularly, with the exception of the Tweety Bird, which I only wear at formal occasions and when I go out to eat every Monday at TGI Fridayâ€™s. If any of you would like to join me for a â€œTAPA-TIZERâ€, please contact Colleen and sheâ€™ll schedule a date.
As for my column, Iâ€™m going to be doing and saying some things that will inevitably make you to cringe, cry or cause you to drop out of college, and for that, Iâ€™m sorry. But in my defense, I was a child of divorce and was never really given a proper upbringing.
I spent most of my youth not wearing helmets, using sunscreen inappropriately and wearing clothes that were handed down to me from my sister. Have you ever worn your sisterâ€™s prom dress to football practice? Well I have, and the shoulder pads werenâ€™t padded enough.
In regards to the content of my column, Iâ€™ll need your help. Iâ€™ll do and subsequently write about the things that you request. Iâ€™m like a cheap hooker; all you have to do is ask.
If you want me to perform at the halftime show with a tuba up my rear, Iâ€™ll do it. Maybe you want to see me eat a whole sheet cake shaped like Tony Frankâ€™s head, just ask. Or maybe, please pick this one, you want to see me arm wrestle Temple Grandin.
Well I dare you; actually, I triple dog dare you to come up with some of the funniest, craziest things you can think of. All you have to do is ask. You can either contact me through the Collegian or â€œtwatâ€ me on my twitter account. Once your requests are in, I, and some other Collegian staff, will vote on the weekâ€™s best idea, then Iâ€™ll drag myself off the couch and attempt to do whatever your Four Loko-and-Cheetos-driven brains conceived.
On a logistics note, please remember that Colorado State Universityâ€™s rules and regulations are tighter than a duckâ€™s ass. So if it involves breaking any of their rules or any other statewide laws, theyâ€™re probably not going to let me do it. So be smart and creative about your requests. On a positive note, rumor has it that Tony Frank has a pretty good sense of humor, so Iâ€™m sure we can make this happen.
If at some point you see me moving about campus, please refrain from approaching me with your ill-conceived ideas. Take a moment to form a thought then write it in. However, if you just want me to sign your boobs, male or female, Iâ€™ll do it. Bring a Sharpie.
Remember, Iâ€™m not the smartest person on campus, but I am the most funnest. Iâ€™m also a decent athlete and I look pretty good in a thong too, so keep that in mind when youâ€™re sending in your request. Now go back to class, idjits!
_Shaun Dolon is a junior journalism major. His column appears every other Friday in the Collegian. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and @shaundolon on Twitter. _