Call me a dreamer, but this past Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week profoundly inspired me to my very core.
I mean, look at my mugshot. Between the frazzled, windblown red hair and stained Wal-Mart t-shirt that characterizes this extremely flattering photo of me, I obviously have a future in fashion.
Here are some quick tips to revamp your wardrobe:
1. Workout attire is â€˜alwaysâ€™ attire
While some may frown upon wearing sweatpants to formal events like job interviews, state dinners or first dates, Iâ€™m here to tell you that this is nothing more than a misconception, a lie perpetuated by people who donâ€™t understand concepts like â€œstressâ€ and â€œlaziness.â€
I personally wear gym shorts, sweatpants and ratty t-shirts most days of the week. Itâ€™s the perfect attire for my busy lifestyle. I go for a run in the morning, â€œworkâ€ in the newsroom during the day and at night, if Iâ€™m lucky, watch multiple episodes of â€œHow I Met Your Motherâ€ with my fake British boyfriend, without once having to change clothes.
And, ladies, think of it this way: if you always wear gym shoes, itâ€™s far easier to run away from the many male suitors whom your extremely attractive gym attire will inevitably attract.
2. If it takes more than 10 minutes to get dressed, youâ€™re trying too hard
While my roommates spend hours blow-drying their hair, playing with their freaky cosmetic torture devices, applying make-up and picking out their outfits, I do something far more beneficial: I sleep in.
And when my alarm goes off 10 minutes before Iâ€™m supposed to get to class, all I have to do is get my well-rested body out of bed, brush my teeth and throw on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt I can find, satisfied to have gotten a good nightâ€™s sleep.
3. Invest in at least one good pantsuit
I remember the first time I wore a pantsuit. It was a Sunday, and I was in Target, looking for the perfect outfit for an upcoming job interview. It called to me from across the crowded aisles, its glittering black buttons and sensible design giving me a sense of satisfaction and excitement that not even sweatpants could.
When I first put it on, I felt like Hilary Clinton but without the cankles, ready to kick ass, take names and take over the world.
That first weekend, I wore it constantly. I wore it to the mall, I wore it while playing beer pong, and yes, I even wore it while I was at the gym.
While many mock my pantsuit, I still believe that it is a go-to fashion accessory for any situation, and even though my love for it has waned with time, I still whip it out whenever I need a little bit of a confidence boost.
And as for the interview, if youâ€™re curious, yes, I did get the job. And it was because of the pantsuit.
4. As long as it covers up the essentials, you can wear pretty much anything in public
My sister has a pair of ratty cut-off sweatpants that have never seen the light of day. She says she only wears them when she has no intention of leaving the house, and even then, it has to be a day where she completely hates herself.
I, by contrast, have none of these scruples. As I write this column, I am wearing my sexy smoking jacket and a pair of jeans that have seen far better days. I am also currently in my office, and as far as I know, none of my coworkers have a problem with my attireâ€¦. probably because Iâ€™m their boss, and they all know theyâ€™re on thin ice if they dare insult me.
5. If you spent more than $10 on your outfit, get your money back
While no concrete facts confirm this, Iâ€™m pretty sure that one pair of Hollister jeans can feed at least one million starving African children. So be frugal with your fashion choices, my friends, because African orphans depend on it.
And for the liberal arts majors out there, a cheap wardrobe can make your transition from college life to unemployment far more tolerable, because if you dress right, there shouldnâ€™t be any discernable difference between you and a hobo.
6. You should be ashamed if you follow any of these rules
If by the end of this column you were inspired to buy more pairs of sweatpants, wear inappropriate outfits in public and don pantsuits on formal and informal occasions, get your money and time back RIGHT NOW.
_Content Managing Editor Allison Sylte is a junior journalism major. Her column runs on Tuesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at email@example.com. _