All women are planets.
So I, along with a select few at the Collegian, have come up with a metaphor for the three types of men every woman has, or would like to have, in her orbit.
This column is the first of a three-part series describing the different men that exist in the universe: the moon, satellite and asteroid. Today, I will focus on the small, yet vital, moon.
First of all, the planets revolve around the sun, which represents college life, or basically one big party.
Most planets have at least one moon orbiting them, meaning most girls have one or two guys who absolutely adore her, but receive no romantic affection in return.
Moons are always the nicest, most genuine guys the planet encounters.
But the she has no intention of their relationship growing into something more, and honestly never will. Once a guy establishes himself as a moon, there isnâ€™t really a chance of an intimate relationship occurring. Even a friends-with-benefits situation is out of the question.
But the moon is determined and continues to hopelessly orbit the planet thinking that somehow, someway, heâ€™ll find a way to change her mind.
A planet is fully aware of the moonâ€™s intentions, and, as cruel as it is, loves that he doesnâ€™t decide to shoot off into another planetâ€™s orbit, despite the fact that sheâ€™s established the moonâ€™s orbit will never coincide with the planet.
The moon has no major flaws or negative aspects in his character. Heâ€™s just lacking that x-factor, that characteristic that makes a planet wanting more, because he gives her everything up-front.
Thereâ€™s no game involved. The planet doesnâ€™t have to put a single ounce of effort into getting the moon to orbit around her, which just isnâ€™t amusing.
A moonâ€™s main problem is that he doesnâ€™t bring intrigue to the table. Heâ€™s too easy. The planet already has him, and didnâ€™t have to do anything to get to circle around her.
All a planet thinks about moons is, â€œYouâ€™re never going to touch me, but keep hanging around because I really do want you in my atmosphere. Youâ€™re a nice guy; youâ€™re just never going to land on my surface.â€
Keeping him hanging on also gives the planet power. She needs him around. She doesnâ€™t want him to crash into her, but she doesnâ€™t want him to leave either.
Heâ€™s the guy that every girl has who refuses to take his place in the friend zone.
However, I give major props to the occasional moon that quickly understands that he is in fact, a moon, and will never collide with the planet itself. This guy is smarter than the others and strategically makes himself the guy friend.
So moons, although we planets love to have you around, youâ€™ll be stuck in your same flight path forever unless you accept your fate as the friend and hope for the best. Or, just spin off into another planetâ€™s orbit.
Entertainment editor Courtney Riley can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.