This is how Osama really died on Sunday.
He is sitting in a home theater in his Pakistan compound (because I assume all terrorist compounds have home theaters) laughing hysterically at a black and white movie.
But little does he know that a group of fearless Jewish American soldiers, led by Brad Pitt, has secretly infiltrated his movie screening.
Half way through the movie the theater catches on fire and Osama and his supporters go down in a barrage of bullets.Â After the battle Brad Pitt carves an American Flag into Osamaâ€™s forehead and says, â€œThis just might be my masterpiece.â€
My other theory is that Uma Thurman and Osama sit in the backyard of Osamaâ€™s compound and talk about their past.Â Suddenly Osama attacks Thurman, but since Osama is an old man on dialysis, Thurman disarms him easily.
She then uses the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique to kill Osama.
Perhaps Bruce Willis was in the Pakistani compound looking for his fatherâ€™s watch when Osama walks out of the bathroom.Â Bruce Willis is startled and shoots and kills Osama with Osamaâ€™s own gun.
Or maybe Iâ€™m just too obsessed with the perfectly written deaths in Quentin Tarantino movies to imagine real life being any different.
Or maybe I just wanted to dedicate my farewell column to my favorite director.
Either way I bet it was violent.
I remember seeing my first Tarantino movie, â€œKill Bill Volume 1,â€ and becoming entranced by the highly stylized, gruesome action (as any 13-year-old male should be).
But it wasnâ€™t until I was older and I watched â€œPulp Fictionâ€ and â€œReservoir Dogsâ€ that I began to appreciate Tarantino for his intricately woven plots. There is more than blood.
His nonlinear storytelling coupled with humor, stark realism, brutality and a blatant love for cinema make his films a utopia for movie lovers.
What draws me into Tarantino movies the most, though are his scripts.Â They have the fluidity of any casual conversation. The topics are sometimes mundane, yet somehow Tarantino ensnares you with the depth or the humor in the dialogue.
Take the â€œRoyale With Cheeseâ€ conversation in the beginning of â€œPulp Fiction.â€Â Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta just talk about fast food for a few minutes.Â I certainly never thought that they would call the Quarter Pounder with cheese something different in France because they use the metric system.
And Steve Buscemiâ€™s rant about tipping waitresses in â€œReservoir Dogsâ€ always crosses my mind when Iâ€™m paying at restaurants (sorry waiters and waitresses).
This week as I thumbed through entertainment news, as any good entertainment editor does, I found that Tarantino had announced the plot of his next movie, â€œDjango Unchained.â€ His eighth film will be a spaghetti western film, and there is no telling what Tarantino can create with that genre.
Instantly I was brought back to the days before â€œInglourious Basterdsâ€ when I found out that my favorite filmmaker was creating a WWII movie.Â I remember following the news of the movie closely.Â I looked at pictures of sets and found the name of the first chapter.Â Â When I saw the words â€œOnce Upon a Time in Nazi Occupied France,â€ I knew Quintey would never let me down.
I havenâ€™t always been a movie lover, but as a kid watching blood spray from severed heads, limbs scattering the ground like twigs and hearing the gentle hum of Hattori Hanzo swords in â€œKill Bill,â€ I became one.
Who better to turn me into one than the ultimate movie lover himself: Quentin Tarantino. His movies pay homage to some of cinemaâ€™s most beloved genres while at the same time applying age-old and modern themes.
Tarantino, you have made me the movie-loving, violence-desensitized man I am today.Â Thank you.
If you have gotten to the end of my rant about Quentin Tarantino you truly are a dedicated reader.Â And for that I thank you.Â
As much as I have loved writing this column, it is time for me to graduate and move on to the real world.
Like I said last week, â€œAll good things must have an expiration date.â€
Entertainment Editor Matt Miller is not graduating because he is a junior journalism major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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