Apr 212011
Authors: Chadwick Bowman

I presume I may be old enough now to conceptualize a thesis of what a relationship should look like, theoretically speaking.

My friends and adviser and mother don’t think so.

My relationships are like a ship that is taking on water –– and I forgot to stow a bucket. I watch my vessel flood until I say screw it, jump out and swim.

But being honest, I blame myself. I’m young and have never cared enough to have my heart broken and I doubt I have broken any hearts, at least until the girls I’ve dated reflect on what the relationship with a –– again, being honest –– narcissistic, pretentious asshole was really like.

It’s okay. I’d rather be an “NPA” than some of my sucker friends.

Like my friend who was dumped in a text message, or the one who was dumped because his girlfriend found Christ, or the friend who was dumped because he would dress like Billie Joe Armstrong on Saturday nights, or the friend whose girlfriend of two years dumped him because she was pregnant with someone else’s baby and was going to move away and marry the other guy.

Yup … you all know where this is going ­­–– all the same friend, Teddy.

I have a friend who dates a conservative. I wash my hands of that situation.

And I’d rather not be my friend who just moved in with his girlfriend. Her name is El Diablo. She punched poor Teddy in the face once, and threatened me. I have shed blood, sweat and tears trying to dismantle their relationship and get my friend back. I’ve failed and given up.

Among my ring of friends, relationships are difficult, but entertaining to watch. I respect women a lot. And when my friends get emotionally trampled on by women, it’s hilarious. Luckily, we can all bounce back because there are plenty of opportunities to meet new women in Fort Collins.

Guys are spoiled on this campus; everywhere you look there are smart and pretty girls. Everywhere. I can’t go into a class, coffee shop, bar, gas station, ACE hardware or party without falling in love.
To quote my friend Trevor, “I fall in love a hundred times a day.”

But to quote another friend, “This girl told me last night that she loved me. What an idiot!”

I feel bad for women. For me at least, it’s not like I have ill intentions when entering relationships –– ultimately, the rationale is that I’m immature, which is my way of avoiding an over-analysis. I can’t maintain a stable level of contentment for myself, let alone make someone else happy.

My responsibilities within a relationship are like trying to answer a riddle presented to you by Charlie Sheen: confusing. It’s not the girls. It’s the concept of “relationship.”

I am by no means an expert, but my interaction with girls has taught me this (and I know it’s bad to stereotype, so here is me stereotyping –– please send hate mail to the email at the bottom).

Texas girls are a tease in bright red lipstick –– which I haven’t decided if I like or not. Girls from the East Coast intimidate me. Girls from the West Coast I avoid for no particular reason at all and girls from Hawaii will crush your soul for no particular reason at all –– those islands I just can’t shake.

Girls from the Mid West seem to me like the settle-down, marrying type –– so I avoid. Marriage is beyond my comprehension, but works for some people I guess.

Ultimately, I find Colorado girls intriguing. They could be rock climbers by day, clubbers by night; snowboarders during the weekend and scientists during the weekdays. There are those Colorado girls who you know right off-the-bat are going to be trouble, but you talk to anyway. And then there are those Colorado girls you have never talked to but can fall in love with –– like what happens to my friend Trevor.

But the simple truth is this: People enjoy relationships. Sometimes you just have to jump in the boat and ride the waves from the sweet, romantic beginning until the crash and burn “no wonder you don’t get along with your mother” bitter end.

Being an NPA, I have taken enough drinks to face, threats from El Diablo and text messages that say “asshole!” to know that relationships are what you make them. I’ve also learned that maybe I should get out of the water entirely and just live by myself in the mountains or something.

Editorial Editor Chadwick Bowman has removed himself from the dating scene with this column. Letters and feedback, or phone numbers, can be sent to letters@collegian.com. Disclaimer –– Mr. Bowman respects his mother. They have a wonderful relationship and she is a beautiful woman.

 Posted by at 3:49 pm

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