Apr 052011
Authors: Shane Rohleder

Sometimes my neighbor screams like a chimpanzee in moments of coital bliss, and I now have a brand new business idea because of her.

You know when the alarm clock disguises itself as an annoying beep in your dream and you get so annoyed with it that you’re ripped out of REM sleep and begin searching for that “beeping something” in real-life? Well, my new business is like that, only I wake searching for a screaming chimpanzee instead of a beep.

It was a bit disconcerting at first, searching for a monkey in my bedroom, but, like drugs, it began to feel natural and eventually sparked an idea for a new business venture. I call it, “monkey-realism-trippin’.”

Monkey-realism-trippin’ has the potential to make you millions of dollars. All it takes is developing an enormous library of unique sounds that jerk people awake in search of fantastical creatures and a few willing friends.

Here is how it works: Say you have a friend who wants you to conjure up an image of Patrick Swayze as a Centaur. Sounds complicated right? Wrong. All you need here is a recording of Patrick Swayze’s voice in “Road House,” mixed with the stomping of a Centaur’s hooves in Narnia and you’ll have your Swayze-Centaur. You are looking at about 90 percent accuracy in conjuring up this image from these sounds. Swayze’s voice will undoubtedly trump the voice of the centaur, but his body will fall just shy of trumping a horse’s body. In the rare case that Swayze kills the Centaur with his bare hands, your friend will wake up screaming, and they will never, ever, be the same again.

However, if it all goes right, they will gladly pay you an “awesomeness fee,” and spread the word about monkey-realism-trippin’. Hence, have some generic sounds ready for the floods of inquiries that will undoubtedly come your way.

Pirate sounds are always profitable. Various versions of ARRRGHHHSSS! at different frequencies should occupy a large portion of your sounds library.

Aliens are big businesses too. Something like chimes mixed with a cello might translate into an alien language for some, but to be safe it’s best to have a mixed recording of the “Independence Day” alien noises and Harrison Ford’s voice from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” These sounds mixed together are a 100 percent guaranteed alien image for your customer.

You should try your own monkey-realism-trip with some non-threatening sounds from crickets or gerbils in order to better understand what happens to your clients. Slowly work your way up to dragon sounds, but don’t rush it.

Monkey-realism-trippin’ comes with a high risk-factor. Permanently injuring or killing the tripper is possible. For instance, if the noise my neighbor made sounded more like an eagle instead of a chimpanzee, during a trip I may try to fly out my bedroom window in search of the fantastical bird.

Hence, I wouldn’t recommend recreating sounds from airborne or oceanic creatures until further research is done.

However, don’t let these limitations keep you from experimentation. If you go to sleep with the proper apparatus on, who’s to say you can’t conjure up a killer whale to go deep seeing diving with in your bathtub.

The last thing I’d like to do is thank my neighbor. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have discovered monkey-realism-trippin’. The gift she’s given me with her primate-like vocal chords amounts to so much more than sleepless nights and acid-like apparations appearing in my home. I now have a completely new way to look at the world.

Shane Rohleder is a senior communication studies major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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