Mar 012011
Authors: Allison Sylte

I work as a college journalist. And this may shock you, but despite my wealth of institutional knowledge and infinitely valuable liberal arts degree, I’m not particularly loaded with cash.

So, while some of my classmates are partying on white sand beaches and going on memorable cross-country road trips, I’ll be comfortably on my couch — which is technically a futon –– traveling not to literal far-off lands but metaphorical ones, holding not a pina colada but rather a coffee cup — which is technically a badass goblet –– full of something that you probably shouldn’t drink at 8 a.m.

But there’s hope! And that hope lies in a magical invention that I like to call “the boob tube.” Luckily, I’ve had plenty of time throughout my 20 years of existence to peruse everything this magical device has to offer, and I would like to bestow my useless knowledge unto you.

Granted, every TV show that I end up watching features advertisements for erectile dysfunction pills and electric wheelchairs, but I attribute this to the fact that I’m mature for my age, not at all to the fact that I’m frickin’ lame.

Without making an even bigger fool of myself, here is my list of favorite TV shows to make you feel like you’re on Spring Break despite never leaving the comforts of your own couch:

‘Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations,’ The Travel Channel

If I were ever to become a food reviewer/world traveler, I would totally become Anthony Bourdain. This chain-smoking, one-ear-pierced, profanity-throwing, angry New Jersey native is the epitome of cool, and he knows it.

I can count on one hand the number of people in the world who can simultaneously smoke a pack of cigarettes while eating pig brains in Zimbabwe. Anthony Bourdain is one of them.

“Samantha Brown’s Passport to Europe/Latin America/Asia,” The Travel Channel

I was forced to watch this constantly as a little kid. I used to think it was because of the exotic locales, fun cultures and Samantha Brown’s enthusiastic nature. But later in life, I found out that it was because my dad thought she looked really hot in a bikini.

However, I personally became a fan because her shows do make you feel like you’re hanging out in totally awesome places, like the Louvre or Detroit, while you’re actually just chilling on your futon, drinkin’ out of your goblet.

And it’s not to be forgotten that this woman seriously has the best job ever.

The Jersey Shore, MTV

It’s like a clichéd college spring break year-round! From whiny, drunk girls hanging on buff guys while drinking tequila on a beach to intense “real-world” drama (I side with Snooki … screw you Pauly D!), “The Jersey Shore” never fails to disappoint … and also makes me want to get tested.

Tune in for the party you wish you were invited to on the first Friday of spring break … instead of, you know, doing what you normally do: watching “Golden Girls” reruns while drinking Pediasure.

Maury, Syndicated

For the record, I would never consent to a paternity test. I don’t care if my future child with my fake British boyfriend comes out white, I’m still totally going to say that it’s Kanye West’s.

Because I’m a gold-digger. And I ain’t gonna mess wit’ no broke … fellow.

In that vein, the drama of paternity tests, “cuzbands” and transvestite strippers make Maury the ultimate show for a lazy afternoon of nothingness. These people’s serious problems make you thankful that, even though you’re spending spring break on a futon in a coffee-stained bathrobe, life could be worse: You aren’t working as a prostitute while being married to the owner of an adult cinema catering to toddlers.

And this is a message that we should all take to heart.

News Editor Allison Sylte is actually camping at the Sand Dunes for a few days during spring break. But rest assured, she’ll return to the couch where she belongs. She can be reached at

 Posted by at 4:48 pm

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