Imagine a world where you donâ€™t have to deal with all of those pesky other pages on your quest to find the sudoku in the Collegian. A world where, in flipping through the channels to watch MTV, you donâ€™t have to suffer through brief glimpses of CSPAN or brave the 10 oâ€™clock news before watching Letterman.
You wouldnâ€™t be hindered with depressing things, like the fact that the Middle East is imploding or that Congress is incapable of rational decision-making. You wouldnâ€™t be inundated with constantly conflicting stories and ideals, with two-sided nonsense that makes it all-but-impossible to form an opinion.
It wouldnâ€™t matter who Barack Obama is, unless youâ€™re into cool campaign t-shirts, and John Boehner would be nothing but a guy with a hilarious name. War, destruction, Somali pirates, Paris Hilton â€“â€“ they would be out of your radar.
This sense of ignorance would be bliss. Nothing would matter but yourself; nothing would matter except the world within your direct periphery.
Finally you could watch â€œJersey Shoreâ€ without feeling guilty about rising STD rates. College would be far less stressful ÂÂâ€“â€“ after all, you canâ€™t worry about rising tuition and a higher education crisis when you donâ€™t even know about them!
You wouldnâ€™t need to read those unabashedly depressing headlines about far-off and exotic places (like Wisconsin â€¦ wtf? Why should I care about those dumb cheesehead unions?).
Instead, the real news would be the important stuff, like your friend Erin getting totally wasted at a party and crying hysterically while clutching a photo of Hosni Mubarak. This is far more interesting than some Senate bill about budgets or some Egyptians protesting on Twitter. In a perfect world, Erin would be front-page news.
More than anything, a world without news would be far more peaceful. We could all finally mind our own business.
And the government could mind its own business too. So could all sorts of private corporations, celebrities, Somali pirates and political parties. It would be absolutely fantastic.
Congress would finally be able to bomb everyone that pisses us off, and it could even take away our voting rights, because you know, itâ€™s not like we really know whatâ€™s going on anyway.
The political process would be much more efficient.
And companies wouldnâ€™t have to deal with any ridiculous â€œpublic outcryâ€ or worry about whether things are fair and safe.
OPEC could charge $10 a gallon for gas and Microsoft and Apple could seal the deal on that merger. Toy companies wouldnâ€™t have to worry about things like â€œlead-based paintâ€ or whether things are harmful when swallowed.
In a world without news, businesses and Congress would have it so much easier.
Granted, it might suck to start paying $10 a gallon for gas and dealing with the repercussions of random government invasions. Because you know, if we bomb enough people, they might get a little bit angry.
But who cares, right? Erin getting wasted is so much more awesome. I donâ€™t care about that other stuff.
At least until the United States is in smoldering ruin and, heaven forbid, Sarah Palin is elected president.
At that point, you might think that we could no longer live in blissful ignorance, but I beg to differ.
In a world without news, we wouldnâ€™t even notice that â€œMama Grizzlyâ€ was president, at least until we could see Russia from all of our houses. But still, it wouldnâ€™t really matter.
However, speaking of things that do matter, I heard that Erin is having a kegger this weekend, and itâ€™s gonna be suh-weet.
Assistant News Editor Allison Sylte is a sophomore journalism and international studies major. Feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.