Feb 132011
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

While some may argue that Valentine’s day is an artificial holiday filled with fake sugar and forced sentiment, keep in mind that these people are jealous I got you a date last week. You’re welcome, by the way. In keeping with my promise, I’ll now cover how to make your first date as memorable as how you met –– staring creepily while fire raged around you both.

A first date is like an extended first impression. It’s something you’ll never get back, and if you fail, your date will tell stories about you to all their friends forever, until you become an exaggerated figure of legendary gracelessness and utter incompetence. Also, keep in mind that if you look too stressed or worried it will also ruin the date –– just try to have fun!

But not too much fun –– no one likes it if you try too hard.

The classic date is dinner and a movie. It’s a good setup. There’s food and background music and the possibility of conversation for the opener and the possibility of yawning and snuggling close. Of course, don’t get too close –– nothing like the illicit thrill of getting caught to kill the mood!

Speaking of classy decisions, getting intoxicated at a bar is also a popular date activity. With the loud music, incredibly overpriced drinks and strangers drunkenly hitting on your date, I can’t see a single reason not to go. I can see three reasons. Four if your date isn’t into drinking.

You’ll notice that both of these ‘classic’ dates are also extraordinarily boring. It’s something your date has done hundreds, perhaps thousands of times before. If you’re going to stand out before the disturbing amount of experience your partner has, the date needs to be one of a kind. Magical. Unrepeatable. Specifically because they’ll make laws against it after you get away with it.

It turns out that at night, when most dates occur, many otherwise wonderful opportunities are unavailable. For example, did you know that many animals are nocturnal, and the zoo security couldn’t possibly cover every section of the gate at once? It’s true!

Romance will blossom as you scurry over the wall, perhaps coyly offering assistance up or on the graceful landing. It will feel like the night will never end. And there will almost certainly be a second date at the trial.

Perhaps you prefer a more intimate environment and a chance to really get to know your date. This can be accomplished via bonding over similar interests and niche hobbies. Since they are interested in you, you should immediately expect them to be interested in all your odd hobbies and quirks, as well. If not, it was not meant to be.

After all, what better way is there to bond than over an extensive collection of beanie babies? Spending an evening brushing their coats and making certain their nametags are safely in their wrappers is your ideal evening and should be theirs as well. If your partner intends to date you, you should immediately insist they not only accept your weird hobbies but enthusiastically participate in them.

A marathon session of recorded games of your favorite sports team, or a few episodes from that obscure anime where the cats turn into robots that fight normal-sized cats will be sure to charm them as much as it’s charmed you. Being exactly the same is a prerequisite for being in love.

Of course, it’s not really the event that matters. All dates are just a chance to get to know the other person better and evaluate how a potential relationship might work out. What’s important is conversation, companionship and having a good time.

Failing that, ‘forget’ your wallet. There’s a free meal in it.

Johnathan Kastner is in his second year of his second bachelor degree, majoring in computer science. His column runs Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com

 Posted by at 2:56 pm

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