Dec 072010
Authors: Johnny Hart

Ho ho hold on, hold on.

How did I get roped into writing one of these crappy gift guide columns? Is this some alternative universe?

I mean, most of my columns are pretty useless, but I’m in no way qualified to tell people what to give for the holidays.

I’m a taker. Last slice of pizza: mine. Last doughnut: mine. Last beer: already drank it. Is there any wonder why my body falls heavily on the bigger side?

Maybe since I’m such a bad gift giver –– with some of the bad ideas I’ve come across I’ve also given –– I can therapeutically learn from past mistakes.

And you can too! You’re just five easy steps away from holiday bliss, wrapped in paper, dashed with tinsel and topped with a bow.

God I hate this holiday crap.

1. Herpes

It’s definitely bad form to give anyone a sexually transmitted infection during pretty much any point of the year. But it adds just a little more insult to injury if you ruin someone’s genitalia during the holidays.

This month is not supposed to be about such shenanigans. No tomfoolery, wrap your toolery.

Clearly the holidays are for drunkenly fighting with your family and racking up debt against your home.

A merry Christmas, a cheerful Chanukah, a happy New Year and frosty foreclosure for all!

2. Underwear

Men, this is a trap. You do not know your lady friend’s sizes, despite your unrelenting attempts to see her naked.
And the implications and suggestions of buying lingerie will backfire.

Put the ball in her court. Give her a gift card.

By the way, for all the moms out there, please take caution
when buying your sons boxers, and God forbid briefs.

From personal experience, us young men can be very picky about what we like. And bunching is something I do not.

Oh, and never, ever, buy used.

3. Anything religious

Can we face it? The holidays are not about religion. They’re about greed and power.

They’re about worshiping false idols –– Santa. They’re about coveting they neighbor’s possessions. My neighbor’s Porsche would look pretty darn good in my garage.

Oh, I’m kidding. The holidays are about getting drunk and embarrassing yourself in front of your loved ones.

4. Anything living

“Hey, did you hear Johnny bought me a guinea pig for Christmas? I haven’t opened it yet.”

“Why are there no air holes?”

Sorry. I kill plants too.

Can we just stick to gifts full of plastic and metal instead?
Like PlayStation accessories –– hint, hint.

5. Fruitcake

I swear I’ll eat a slice of fruitcake as soon as someone can explain to me what exactly it contains. Or why it’s edible for three to four decades. Or why there’s no fruit.

Fruitcake ranks up there among the all time bad gift ideas, like cheese wheels, Chia Pets, tube socks and hand-knitted sweaters.

But at least all those other things don’t get stuck in your teeth.

Happy holidays,

Multimedia Editor Johnny Hart will be receiving lumps of coal in his stocking this year. To send him real gifts, e-mail him at

 Posted by at 2:36 pm

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