Ho ho hold on, hold on.
How did I get roped into writing one of these crappy gift guide columns? Is this some alternative universe?
I mean, most of my columns are pretty useless, but Iâ€™m in no way qualified to tell people what to give for the holidays.
Iâ€™m a taker. Last slice of pizza: mine. Last doughnut: mine. Last beer: already drank it. Is there any wonder why my body falls heavily on the bigger side?
Maybe since Iâ€™m such a bad gift giver â€“â€“ with some of the bad ideas Iâ€™ve come across Iâ€™ve also given â€“â€“ I can therapeutically learn from past mistakes.
And you can too! Youâ€™re just five easy steps away from holiday bliss, wrapped in paper, dashed with tinsel and topped with a bow.
God I hate this holiday crap.
Itâ€™s definitely bad form to give anyone a sexually transmitted infection during pretty much any point of the year. But it adds just a little more insult to injury if you ruin someoneâ€™s genitalia during the holidays.
This month is not supposed to be about such shenanigans. No tomfoolery, wrap your toolery.
Clearly the holidays are for drunkenly fighting with your family and racking up debt against your home.
A merry Christmas, a cheerful Chanukah, a happy New Year and frosty foreclosure for all!
Men, this is a trap. You do not know your lady friendâ€™s sizes, despite your unrelenting attempts to see her naked.
And the implications and suggestions of buying lingerie will backfire.
Put the ball in her court. Give her a gift card.
By the way, for all the moms out there, please take caution
when buying your sons boxers, and God forbid briefs.
From personal experience, us young men can be very picky about what we like. And bunching is something I do not.
Oh, and never, ever, buy used.
3. Anything religious
Can we face it? The holidays are not about religion. Theyâ€™re about greed and power.
Theyâ€™re about worshiping false idols â€“â€“ Santa. Theyâ€™re about coveting they neighborâ€™s possessions. My neighborâ€™s Porsche would look pretty darn good in my garage.
Oh, Iâ€™m kidding. The holidays are about getting drunk and embarrassing yourself in front of your loved ones.
4. Anything living
â€œHey, did you hear Johnny bought me a guinea pig for Christmas? I havenâ€™t opened it yet.â€
â€œWhy are there no air holes?â€
Sorry. I kill plants too.
Can we just stick to gifts full of plastic and metal instead?
Like PlayStation accessories â€“â€“ hint, hint.
I swear Iâ€™ll eat a slice of fruitcake as soon as someone can explain to me what exactly it contains. Or why itâ€™s edible for three to four decades. Or why thereâ€™s no fruit.
Fruitcake ranks up there among the all time bad gift ideas, like cheese wheels, Chia Pets, tube socks and hand-knitted sweaters.
But at least all those other things donâ€™t get stuck in your teeth.
Multimedia Editor Johnny Hart will be receiving lumps of coal in his stocking this year. To send him real gifts, e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.