Nov 302010
Authors: Johnny Hart

These last few weeks I’ve been pretty reflective about my time at Colorado State University and in Fort Collins, which is a problem for my water bill.

See, I do most of my critical thinking not in libraries or classrooms, but rather in the shower. For long periods of time. Just ask my roommate.

The nostalgia lingers because in three weeks I should be walking across the Moby Arena stage, bridging the warmth and comfort of university life and the cold, dark hell that seems to be the Real World.

It’s scary. And I’m doing my darndest to latch on to that last bit of glimmering hope.

Since this and next week’s columns seem to be the last I’ll write as a Ram, maybe I can give some advice on how to make good memories while they are for the taking.

And in just five suggestions, not 101 like the student government planner.

1. Do: Get drunk at the Ramskeller

Not too drunk, but enough that you have to walk home.

I get that not everyone likes to drink. If you don’t, remember these are just suggestions.

But for those who like to get socially lubricated every once in a while –– or like twice a week –– make sure you do it right.

So instead of having a quick pint, get some friends and stay for a mug or seven.

2. Do: Abuse your free student drink privileges

The power the all-mighty student ID yields is great. Who would have thunk that little rectangular piece of cheap plastic with your photo on it
would hold so much privilege?

Believe me, those photos aren’t flattering either, with your “just-woke-up-and-missed-some-toothpaste-on-my-chin” look. And you people out there who dress up for ID photos, you still look dumb.

But anyway, use your ID with pride. Free drink here, free chips there, free stuff for everyone.

Those cards work at sporting events too, if you ever went.

3. Don’t: Streak at a football game

No one needs to see your icy, frozen giblets flip-flopping down the sidelines. And think of the chaffing and unnatural testicular movement that happens without underwear.


But really, you’re just proving you’re the most embarrassing part of our great university. Leave that to our floundering football program.

4. Don’t: Try to ride Cam the Ram

In all of my vast experience with animals, my observation is that if they’re not meant for riding, they don’t like to be ridden.

Apologizes to my family dog Keoki. But in my defense, I was about 250 pounds lighter and like 4 years old.

Petting seems acceptable. Posing for pictures too. Admiring his … ahem … well endowment is a little weird, but OK. But do not, under any circumstances, ride our mascot.

By the way, does anyone else wonder if Cam ever poops during or after running on the field? If you know and tell me, I’ll buy you a cookie.

5. Do: Actually graduate

This seems to be a challenge for too many of us. Especially Collegianites.

You see, three places seem to have this unbreakable magnetic pull on me. One is the newsroom. I’ve been caught, on occasion, sleeping under my desk.

Two: my bed. It’s so comfortable. Especially when it’s cold out and my blankie is so, so warm.

The ‘Skeller foils my plans again. But beer is a golden gift from the heavens that is not to be ignored, despite mid-terms and projects.

Multimedia Editor Johnny Hart can be found thinking about things in his shower. If you would like to join, at least e-mail him first at

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