Oct 052010
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Taxes are always bad. Sure, some of you may be impressed that there is a person out there who will drive to your home and risk his or her life to save you should you catch fire, but remember –– this person wants your money. He can have it over your crisp, dead body.

It starts out simply. Someone has the good idea that roads should be paid for by everyone who uses them, but before long, they’re funding things that you don’t need, like stuff for old people and single mothers. We should be saving our tax money for cool things, like seeing how much money we can spend on a single toilet seat.

I haven’t studied the current issues, nor am I an economist, but that doesn’t make me any less of an expert than any other pundits. I was outraged, however, when I heard that the Larimer County Sheriff’s Office is planning to collect $115,000 in tickets per month to make up for budgeting shortfalls. This is like a far more sinister type of tax that only affects lawbreakers.

I have before stood on a strong anti-law policy, when I opposed the new fines for people who text and drive. After all, as Benjamin Franklin may have texted while driving, “Those who give up freedom 4 safety deserve neither o no tree lol.” Today I’d like to take a stand against other traffic laws and tell you how the police plan on ticketing you, and how to avoid punishment.

Speeding is defined as the art of getting to the next stoplight before the guy just behind you. It’s common knowledge that the limit on the sign is actually about 5 m.p.h. lower than what you should actually be driving, 10 if it’s good weather or you’re in a hurry. But police officers have a funny notion of the word “limit.”

Stop signs and red lights are also trouble spots. It can be difficult, when driving, to discern if a light is really red, or if the pigment has faded from a stop sign, invalidating it. Keep in mind that it takes a few extra seconds for the other cars to respond to their green light, and so you usually have a few extra seconds to run that red. Unless some stupid jerk from the other direction decides to run a clearly red light.

Finally, there’s the nitty-gritty stuff, like using your seat belt, signaling before changing lanes, and not swearing at pedestrians in a cross-walk while you cross the median and are on meth. That kind of thing is rarely enforced, but they may be stepping it up a little to meet the budget crisis.

There are a number of great ways to get out of a ticket. Keep in mind that your taxes pay the officer’s salary (against your will).

You’re the officer’s boss. When they stroll up to the window, they expect to have you on the defensive, and boy are they not prepared if you loudly and firmly explain that they are a terrible employee. The cop will marvel at your decisive attitude and the ticket, if indeed you still receive one, will reflect this.

You may also try humor –– cops are notorious for their humor. If sober, try joking with the officer about how much you’ve had to drink that evening. If drunk, do the same, slur your words and vomit on his or her shiny black shoes. Both will get you exactly the respectful treatment that you deserve.

The police don’t deserve our tax money, but they’re going to try and get it anyway. They have to put up with drunk drivers and the incredibly rude, but I for one sincerely hope they don’t get our money this way.

Johnathan Kastner is in his second year of his second bachelor’s degree, majoring in computer science. He does not support drunk driving, being rude to officers, meth, reckless driving, anarchy, expensive toilets, or the removal of all taxes. He does support satire and kittens. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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