Sep 282010
Authors: Johnny Hart

First off, I wanted to take some time to talk about something that I’d say 99 percent of my readers may not care about. But how many times do I get to use my column for something not completely ridiculous?

So here it goes: I have a new member of my extended family, little baby Nathan Andrew. Congrats to my cousins Eileen and Craig on their beautiful baby boy.

I do have my reasons for bringing this up. First, baby talk is like pulling out a giant chick magnet. Thanks, Nate. I’ll explain that to you when you’re older.

Second, I’m old. Baby Nathan sent me spinning into a quarter-life crisis that’s been festering for some time now.

Do you realize, I’m one of few undergraduates left who was born in the ‘80s.

I’ve witnessed five presidencies. I remember when Green Day didn’t suck.

And I’m sure a lot of you will just write me off because, in reality, I’m not that old. But for the first time in my life I’m starting to feel not youthful and jubilant.

No fear though. I’m still funny. (Arrogant much?)

1. Trampolines

So you know those giant warehouses with the wall-to-wall trampolines? You know, the places in which you host 8-year-old’s birthday parties? Good, glad we’re on the same pages.

Those look so fun. Like, you can’t understand the joy the thought of spending a day there brings to my soul. It’s the same joy a little boy has when he first realizes he can shoot BB guns at small animals … not like I did that.

But one of several –– maybe all –– things would happen if I attended little Billy’s eighth birthday: I would break myself, as my calcium deficient diet isn’t really helping my bones; I would break through the equipment; or god forbid, I’d squish the life out of little Billy.

2. Fart jokes

As the end of college nears, I’m seriously afraid of exposing potential employers to my complete and utter immaturity. (Maybe this shouldn’t be in my column …)

This is troublesome because, as my newsroom comrades can attest to, there’s no silly joke that’s below my standards. We’re talking some really lowbrow stuff here, flatulence jokes included.

Apparently I’m too old to have a pre-pubescent sense of humor. And like Blink 182 says, “No one likes you when you’re 23.”

3. Weather

This may come as a shock, but you know why men as they grow older start wearing those ugly Cosby-like sweaters? Because they are cold.

Weird right? But seriously, I used to be able to just go out in a blizzard with a T-shirt and flip-flops. Now a light wind and I’m reaching for my parka.

On the bright side, I can predict inclement weather with my joints now. Sweet.

4. Alopecia

This goes out to former Collegian editor Matt Minich: Bald is indeed beautiful.

That’s easy to say for you people; you’ve got a nice full head of hair. The only bald people who believe that are those in denial and Bruce Willis.

And I’m not doggin’ on my hairless homies. I too am losing. And it’s sad.

Is it too early to try Rogaine?

5. Aches and pains

I wouldn’t call myself a specimen of health. Can you blame me? I’m in this hell of concrete walls and no windows dubbed Student Media for like eight hours a day.

So when I work out ­­–– god help us all –– it hurts in the morning. Bad. Really bad.

Even when I do something leisurely like golfing, I ache.

But as you get older, it gets worse. I stub my toe, and it hurts for a week. I sleep in the wrong position and my neck hurts for a week.

Even if I play video games too long, my butt hurts for like a good three days at least.


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