Disclaimer: In no way is Mr. Hart a reliable source for advice, especially when it comes to speaking on behalf of all men. In fact, many of his friends and family, not to mention strangers, foes and Internet trolls, find Mr. Hart to be quite the idiot.
Now that we have that out of the way, thanks for all the responses to last weekâ€™s question: What do women want to know about me?
Clearly Iâ€™m the only male fit to answer these questions. Obviously.
Between getting my swoll on at the Rec Center and doing other manly things like eating red meat and hating commitment, I like to unleash my alpha-maleness upon the world.
By the way, thank you to the three people who e-mailed me â€“â€“ a strong showing from the Top 5 Nation.
But alas, only one reader â€“â€“Â thank you to Holli â€“â€“Â had some questions for me. The first three are her questions. The last two come from endless hours of research in our newsroom after a trip to the â€˜Skeller.
On a side note, youâ€™d think Iâ€™d get more freebies from them for mentioning them so often. No biggie though.
1. Why do men spit so much?
This is a two-fold problem. And a gross one.
Men naturally develop a large quantity of phlegm in the back of their throats.
The cause for this enormous amount of loogie: choking down the urge to always be right.
But why do we spit? Itâ€™s not that we want to. No guy really wants to pat some guyâ€™s ass for making a good play, and no guy really likes grabbing his crotch in public â€“â€“ OK, minus a few insane, perverted men.
It must happen though. Canâ€™t really explain why.
2. Why do men have a difficult time multitasking?
Honestly I donâ€™t see the issue here ladies. Men donâ€™t have a problem â€¦
Sorry. Donâ€™t know what happened there.
What were we talking about?
3. How come men can never make a decision?
I dunno. Do you know?
I just donâ€™t want to be wrong. What do you think?
Is something wrong? Do I seem wishy-washy?
Oh Iâ€™m kidding. But seriously, men are really indecisive because we really donâ€™t want you ladies to think weâ€™re wrong. Even when we think weâ€™re right.
Trust me, itâ€™s much easier to be indecisive than to deal with angry women.
4. How long do men take to get ready in the morning (or late afternoon)?
This is a trick question.
Men, at least me, take about five minutes to get ready because weâ€™re blessed with not having to do all the stuff women do.
Honestly, most days I donâ€™t even shower. Body spray does the trick. Add in a quick brush of teeth and a run of water through the hair, and weâ€™re ready to head out the door.
In my case, though, it takes probably two hours to go from sleeping to leaving.
My bed is really comfy.
5. Why are men constantly thinking about sex?
I have this mantra, and feel free to disagree with it: Women are crazy and men are stupid.
From what I understand from my lady friends, the fairer sex usually overanalyzes things, which can be both good and bad.
For example, I like when my mom or, hopefully someday soon, my girlfriend worries about me because it shows she cares.
But sometimes overanalyzing manifests in crazy. Seriously, 25 voicemails and 60 texts are a bit excessive.
What does this have to do with men thinking about sex? Cuz weâ€™re stupid. It must be all of the blood flowing away from our head.
In the end, itâ€™s an uncontrollable force of nature that, hopefully, is combated by what separates men from primates: self-control.
Managing Editor Johnny Hart slept through class Tuesday after working all night on homework. Bummer. Send Top 5 suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.