So sitting down to write this first column of the year â€“â€“ two hours before deadline mind you â€“â€“ I wanted to hold myself to originality, to write some profound piece of advice for you youngsters.
I wanted to produce ethereal quips about student beings and interesting factoids. I wanted to step out of the same old beginning-the-school-year-column box.
â€¦ But Iâ€™m lazy, and Iâ€™m tired, and class sucks, and I miss summer, and did I mention that Iâ€™m lazy?
Pounding my head against the keyboard just doesnâ€™t really lend itself to that sort of pristine writing.
So youâ€™ll have to deal with my typical, run-of-the-mill, first-day-of-school column.
But câ€™mon, no one really has to deal with my columns because theyâ€™re so funny. Am I right?
â€¦ Am I? Am. I?
1. Football â€“ love it
There are many things I love about sports, and there are many sports I love.
For example, baseball. Baseball is Americaâ€™s game. I love it and always will.
But thereâ€™s just something about grown men clobbering the snot out of each other that makes me all tingly in my nether region.
And with the ringing of the first bell â€“â€“ do colleges have bells? â€“â€“ so marks the beginning of the college football season.
Plus this year, CSUâ€™s going all the way, including beating those damn dirty Trustafarians from Boulder.
2. School supplies â€“ love it
This might be just the third-grader inside my 17th grade body, but shopping for schools supplies is awesome.
The smell of fresh papers, the sound of pencils sharpening, the 128-pack of Crayons â€¦ oh my.
Too bad most of the crap we buy never gets used. But itâ€™s sure fun to have around.
Psst. Hey freshmen, if you charge supplies to your university account, what your parents donâ€™t know â€“â€“ or see on their CSU Billing statement â€“â€“ wonâ€™t hurt them.
3. Early morning classes â€“ hate it
It should be against the law to have a class start before noon. I need my beauty sleep. This gorgeous face doesnâ€™t come easily.
Then again, if they pushed back classes Iâ€™d probably just stay up later.
But thatâ€™s beside the point.
Morning classes are evil. And yeah, Iâ€™m that guy fumbling in late, so take your glaring judgments and shove it.
4. Textbooks â€“ hate it*
So itâ€™s not just that textbooks are extremely pricy. Or that your courses require so many of them. Or that a brand new book will be obsolete in just three months. But can they make the gathering process any more complicated, please?
Unless you have the money to have the Bookstore package all your books up for you, youâ€™ll probably have to do some work to save money.
One route is to find the SKU numbers for your books and order them online, which takes a while but not too long.
Another route: Buy your books, copy the pages and return your books. Now this way requires more time and could land you in prison, which I do not recommend.
And finally, you could charm your way to having someone lend you their books. This require you to be female and have attractive â€¦ ahem â€¦ â€œassets.â€
5. Fresh new faces â€“ love and hate it
Let me just get this off my chest. Dear freshmen, I hate you.
OK, so not so much. But itâ€™s weird, as an upperclassman you develop this subtle, ingrained hatred for lowerclassmen.
Maybe itâ€™s just instinctive. Maybe itâ€™s to toughen these young Ramblings into big, strong, bucking Rams.
Maybe itâ€™s because we realize how much more fun theyâ€™re having. Sad day.
So freshmen, sorry if I get a little testy when youâ€™re around. But I swear to god if you bike or walk in front of my car, I will hit you. Not hard, but just enough to let you know youâ€™re being dumb.
On the other hand, however, new faces mean new girls. And thatâ€™s just fine in my book.
Perverted winking smiley face.
Managing Editor Johnny Hart was late to every one of his first classes this week. He apologizes to all of his professors. Send him tips and coupons for clock alarms to firstname.lastname@example.org.