Aug 242010
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Thanks for pausing on your way to the Sudoku! My name is Johnathan Kastner, and I’ve been on the paper for 150 years now. Each and every year, I make it a point to share my accumulated wisdom with the newly-arrived freshmen in the hopes of changing as many lives as will listen to me.

Granted, some of these changes may not exactly be for the better, but those brave few who do take my advice are heroes to us all –– they’re depleting the universe’s supply of
bad luck, bit by bit.

There’s a wide world of opportunity and choice opened up to you now. You’re more or less on your own, except for the roommate, and you can eat all the food you want, if indeed dorm food counts, and you can sleep as long as you like — assuming all the wall-shaking dorm music ever stops.

In order to experience as much of the college life as possible, my first bit of advice is to not attend class. Every year I suggest this, and I am amazed by the number of people that seem to agree with me. College isn’t about attending classes –– that’s just what you pay for. College is about being young and consequence free.

You may not know this, but right now you are utterly immune to consequences. You’re still too young to be taken seriously, so any of the drugs, alcohol or sleeping around you plan on doing can’t have any lasting repercussions. Leap into anything you like without pausing to think about the terrible, terrible things that could go wrong.

I mean sure, some people will say that drug use or heavy drinking can have negative consequences, but the people making this claim have usually never even tried illegal drugs. That’s like saying sticking a fork in an electrical socket is a bad idea without even trying it –– there’s no way to know.

STDs and pregnancy, meanwhile, only happen to other people. Specifically, one in six
other people, in the case of genital herpes. But that’s just the CDC talking, and they’re paid to study diseases, so naturally they can’t be trusted to be unbiased. What’s far more likely is that you are immune to disease, and statistics.

College is also about being on your own for the first time. This means you can eat as much as you want, whenever you want. You may have heard of the so-called “freshman 15” –– the notion that you may gain 15 pounds during your first year of college. Don’t worry, you can avoid this too.

The trick is not to have too many calories to burn. If your intake exceeds your output,
you get fat. Alcohol is fine because alcohol is a liquid, just like water, and water does not burn. By this solid logic, you should be able to drink as much as you want without an impact on your waistline.

If you have managed to think of a liquid that does, in fact, burn, you probably actually go to classes and have ignored my first tip. I advise all my other readers not to listen to any lies from class-attending heathens.

Keep in mind that mixed drinks are sometimes made with high fructose corn syrup, and corn is a vegetable. To make a drink that is a balanced meal, make sure that the drink is also fruit-flavored. The ideal drink will cover every food group: a pineapple martini with real milk chocolate shavings and garnished heavily with bacon.

College is an excellent time to learn, play and enjoy things you won’t have time to enjoy later. So get out there, live life to the fullest. Keep in mind that college is not the ‘“real world” — because in the real world, there would be possible consequences for unhealthy behavior.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior computer science major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to

 Posted by at 3:48 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.