Letâ€™s get real, people. Normally I tend to embellish the stories I tell you here.
By embellish I mean, flat out, Iâ€™m not cool enough to pull off some of the stuff mentioned in Top 5.
Like, no, I wouldnâ€™t punch someone who was pissing me off at a baseball game. Iâ€™m too civilized for that â€¦ and Iâ€™m kind of a wuss.
And no, I didnâ€™t use beer as a finger food for the Super Bowl. But I still maintain it works in principle.
This week, however, Iâ€™m letting you in on a sensitive time in my life. Iâ€™m moving.
Calm down. Itâ€™s just across town. I donâ€™t leave forever until, hopefully, December.
Let me tell you though, moving is such a pain in my ass. Between finding storage, packing boxes and everything, Iâ€™m on the verge of a breakdown.
Hope my pain is amusing.
So I donâ€™t fancy myself a clothing collector, unlike those people out there who collect shoes or hats or whatever.
I mean, I usually wear the same set of five shirts and shorts, or jeans, over and over again.
If it smells clean (really if it doesnâ€™t smell too awfully bad) Iâ€™ll wear it, stains and all.
So please tell me, how did I accumulate so much damn laundry? Itâ€™s sick. Like, at least like six trash bags full.
Get ready Goodwill. Iâ€™m coming.
Iâ€™m not what you would call an athlete. Sometimes Iâ€™ll play the occasional game of beer pong, but Iâ€™m no Michael Jordan.
So when it comes to heavy lifting, itâ€™s kind of embarrassing. Pit-stains galore. Like seriously, I didnâ€™t think I could sweat that much.
Plus, how did we get that couch through the door? It always seems twice as hard to fit those through the second time around.
3. Boxes and tape
How do companies justify charging people $1 per box? Pizza companies use the same box material willy-nilly and that seems pretty cost affective.
And no place has boxes. All the cheap people, like me, scavenge them all up before the lazies, like me, can get there.
And tape. Frigginâ€™ tape. I have so much tape. Itâ€™s like my brain goes blank when I try to figure out if I have tape at home or if I need to buy some.
And of course you buy it because you forget about the tape you had from the last time you moved.
Oh and that construction-paper-consistency packing tape holds about, oh, until someone puts any sort of pressure on the box. Awesome.
Again, not the tippy-top of cleanliness found here. Iâ€™m not a slob, just a man. Not that men canâ€™t be clean or that women are somehow cleaner than men, but itâ€™s a convenient excuse.
I guess itâ€™s easier to clean, sort of, when youâ€™re house is empty. But itâ€™s gotta be squeaky clean. I just donâ€™t even understand how that works.
Plus when you move stuff, there are spiders. Frigginâ€™ spiders.
I. HATE. SPIDERS.
5. Moving in
So donâ€™t get all wrapped up in the excitement of moving in to a new place. Yeah, it might be a refreshing change of scenery, but itâ€™s like moving out in reverse.
Think about it. First thing, you clean. _Check. _
Then you move in the heavy stuff â€“â€“ the furniture you have no idea how you got into your apartment. Check.
Then you deal with unpacking boxes. And let me tell you, used tape is just annoying. Check.
Finally, you unpack your clothing. And you never really throw any of that away or give it away to thrift stores. Because that concert T-shirt, the one with the wholes and bleach stains that fit a much healthier version of you, has character and sentimental value.
Just wait until next year, when we all do this terrible process again. Ugh.
Managing Editor Johnny Hart will be homeless for three weeks due to leasing issues. Itâ€™s good that the Internet canâ€™t be contained by walls and ceiling. E-mail him with questions or offers of help at firstname.lastname@example.org.