Apr 202010
 
Authors: Johnny Hart

Happy April 21, my loyal readers. I’m glad you survived the 4/20 festivities.
Let’s be honest though, the worst that could’ve happened is you falling asleep with a Twinkie in your hand.

Tuesday marked the annual cannabis celebration –– a virtual profusion of pot, a surplus of stick-icky-icky.

Each year, hundreds of thousands of “activists” gather to celebrate that notorious herb marijuana. It’s sometimes on a campus, like CSU or CU-Boulder, and sometimes other places, like their parents’ basement.

But I digress.

In honor of such a historic holiday, I’ve decided to help you readers out a bit. I know … so generous.

Here’s a guide to determine if someone you live with –– be it a buddy, boyfriend, girlfriend, grandparent, roommate or exchange student –– is a stoner.

And all of you who smoke a lot, do not read further. Instead look in my hand. It’s a burrito.

See it? See it? Now, fetch!

1. Food

When first suspecting your living partner of being a Mary Jane master, make sure you’re checking your stock of groceries.

One sign might be several different half-empty boxes of cereal. The type is most likely the same, but that’s beside the point.

Another sign might be if not only your roommate’s groceries but your groceries are also gone.

This is not damning evidence though. The true indicator is with delivery drivers.

Your roommate doesn’t tip, but these fast food drivers always seem to rush orders to your home. Why? The ever-popular “green” tip.

2. Transportation

Does your roommate own a van? Check.

Does he or she ride a longboard to class? Check. How about owning a fixed-gear bike? Check.

These seemingly innocent, yet very important transportation methods are high indicators your roomie might be a reefer.

Also, check out their shoes. If they go with some form of moccasins or Birkenstocks most days, be wary. Or barefoot if they’re really poor.

3. Smells

For most stoners, body odor isn’t really an issue. I mean, think about it. Most times they smell like that skunky sticky-icky-icky anyways, so what’s a little B.O.?

Patchouli’s also a strong indicator, but that’s mostly for hippies. And not all hippies are stoners … did you just laugh out loud too?

And check their floors. If the carpet’s wet, growing something related to fungus and smells like old bong water, your buddy’s a stoner.

And a slob. Gross.

4. Economics

The only people on Earth who can’t do long division but can calculate how much a half-eighth will cost are stoners.

Stoners are like the market economists of the black variety. Buy, sell, smoke … they’re just as intense as those traders on C-SPAN at the Stock Exchange.

They are also the only people who can go without eating, washing laundry or paying rent and utilities, but will always have a fat sack of ganja to pass around.

5. Cleanliness

Contrary to popular belief, stoners are usually quite clean. Lazy, but clean.
Don’t believe the outward appearances. Ignore the fast food wrappers, the empty beer and soda cans and the other stoners who inherently crash on your couch.

They’re very clean. If you want to test this theory, spill some weed on the floor. After freaking out for about five minutes, they’ll scatter the floor for remnants.

I swear to god they’ll even smoke the carpet.

Love,

Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart can’t get home because of the zombie-like stoners blocking the corner of Laurel Street and College Avenue. Please help him by sending e-mails to verve@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 5:10 pm

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