So, we have this weird, quirky guideline that we donâ€™t really talk about other staffers in our columns.
I wonâ€™t. I promise. But I do have to say the topic idea came from taking one of our designers out for his or her birthday â€“â€“ his or her 21st.
His or her identity shall remain unknown.
Anyway, this little drunken adventure brought up memories of that first night out at the bars. The fumbling through your wallet, the timid walk to the bar, the color of the porcelain throne in the back room.
And being the experienced, yet moderate, consumer of spirits that I am, here is some advice for that fateful night when you lose your drinking virginity.
God, Iâ€™m really old. Oh, and happy birthday Alex, I mean â€œrandom Collegian staffer.â€
1. Milk it up
Look, donâ€™t feel bad if people are buying you drinks all night. In fact, donâ€™t feel bad if people buy you drinks all week.
If youâ€™re truly good at working the system, you can make your birthday last a month.
This is your day. People need to dote on you.
But this does not apply to women. They get drinks whenever they want because of two words: beauty and manipulation.
2. Keep it in moderation
I know this sounds like a public service announcement, but itâ€™s true.
Letâ€™s be real here. Youâ€™re going to drink a little bit more than you should â€“â€“ probably more than your threshold.
But if you canâ€™t drink everything your heartless friends put in front of you, tell your friends to shove it.
If you canâ€™t drink 21 drinks on your birthday, donâ€™t. Nothingâ€™s more annoying than a puker on his or her birthday.
3. Never take a shot that someone wonâ€™t take with you
All us old fogies get bored with the same old 21st birthday party, so weâ€™ve come up with a series of gut testing drinks.
Tabasco and tequila? Bad choice. Baileyâ€™s and vodka? Letâ€™s just say it curdles.
The tip-off, however, is if your â€œfriendâ€ or â€œbuddyâ€ wonâ€™t take the shot with you.
Theyâ€™ve been duped before, and theyâ€™re looking for some payback. Stay away.
4. The beer goggles come off at last call
When it comes time to finish your drink and pay your tab, the bars like to pull this amazing trick: they turn on all the lights, and the patrons flee like cockroaches.
Side note: Do this at parties when you donâ€™t want people at your house anymore.
But when 1:30 a.m. comes around, make sure youâ€™re comfortable leaving with who youâ€™ve chosen to take home because when those lights come up, the beer goggles come off.
Suggestion: Leave before last call. You can always sneak out in the morning.
5. Pedialyte or Gatorade
Inevitably youâ€™ll have a hangover the morning after. Two mornings after if you have persistent friends.
To avoid the headache of being hung over, pun intended, make sure you fill up on electrolytes.
Contrary to popular belief, drinking water wonâ€™t help you sober up. But it, along with electrolyte boosting drinks like Gatorade or Pedialyte, will relieve the morning after symptoms.
It might make your poo turn purple or green, but itâ€™s totally worth it.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart has been watching baseball for 48 solid hours. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.