So, due to space constraints this week, Iâ€™ll have to shorten up my column a bit.
I mean, they donâ€™t cut George Will, why should they cut me?!
Just kidding. Iâ€™m only a prima donna when they donâ€™t bring me free drinks at the bar.
But in all reality, I must cut. So hereâ€™s my jokes in one sentence: farts, poop, ManBearPig, something not funny and a desperate plea for sex.
There you go. This weekâ€™s topic comes from a conversation I heard on the radio â€“â€“ what makes people happy.
What makes a typical college student happy? If I tell you, Iâ€™ll have to kill you. Or you could read below.
1. A surprise bargain
So on this radio show, they talked about how finding a bargain on something youâ€™d pay full price for makes people happy.
So how does this translate to students? Beer. Well, bars.
Nothing cures a major hangover more than finding a bar tab reading $30 when you really drank more like $80 worth.
If youâ€™re a woman, ignore this. You get drinks for free anyway.
2. Warm weather
For six months of the school year, weâ€™re fortunate to have class during the cold, bleak gray of winter.
But when spring comes along, weâ€™re finally free to toss disk, hack sack, frolic gleefully â€¦
The best part of warm weather, however, can be summed up in one word: tanners.
3. Snow days
Speaking of not wanting to go to class, snow days.
Itâ€™s always nice when you get that tingly feeling, that little notion when it starts to snow hard, that class might be cancelled.
And yeah, you could just ditch a day of class and it would have effectively the same outcome. But snow days are different; thereâ€™s a sense of freedom.
But be warned, going to the bar will negate all chances of a school being cancelled because, like the U.S. Postal Service, â€œNeither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hailâ€ shall stop CSU from having class.
4. Refund checks
Itâ€™s kind of funny to see people celebrating their student aid or tax return checks.
Basically, the government acts as a bank that holds the money you rightfully earned for a year until taxes come out, without interest.
People, itâ€™s your money. Not like a lotto ticket with a $200 price tag.
But it is nice to get money back so you can use it to pay bills or rent or something important, like booze.
5. Going to class drunk
We all have the fortune of being in arguably the best beer brewing city in the United States.
On top of that, thereâ€™s that place in the Student Center that serves beer. You know, the Ramskeller?
How does the administration and faculty expect us not to go to class drunk?
Everythingâ€™s better drunk. O-chem? Better drunk. Statistics? Better drunk. 20th century fiction? Definitely better drunk.
Sex? Not always better drunk. But at least you wonâ€™t remember the next morning.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.