If youâ€™re under a rock, you still probably know that Valentineâ€™s Day is looming just around the corner.
I say looming because we all know that the day is just a torturous, momentous waste of time â€¦ for us lonely singles at least.
And like I said in yesterdayâ€™s special Valentineâ€™s Day column, all those couples flaunting their undying love is just gross.
But so goes this time of year. No use in pouting about it.
So Iâ€™ve tailored this weekâ€™s Top Five to a very important subject that many of us donâ€™t want to touch upon: gratuitous sex.
Mmm â€¦ sex. Sorry. Got sidetracked.
Relying on my advanced knowledge of the subject and the endless hours of research conducted via the Internet, this weekâ€™s column will focus on the most embarrassing places to get caught having sex.
Heed my warnings. Also, always remember to not be a fool and wrap your â€¦ well you know the rest.
1. Dorm rooms
This particular location comes first because most students can relate to dorm sex.
Hereâ€™s a good idea: lets put all these hormonal teens in a small, cramped area and just hope and wish they donâ€™t bump uglies. Yeah right.
Thereâ€™s so many ground rules to go over. Do you put a sock on the door? Do you risk sex in the shower? Do you tell your bunkmate that indeed the shaking has awoken you?
My suggestion: date an upper classman. Maybe a cute senior journalism major who writes a weekly column. Maybe?
2. Parentsâ€™ bedroom
This oneâ€™s for all those budding teens. Those who get to go home for break, washing laundry for free and receive groceries for gifts.
You might think itâ€™s a good idea to have a party when youâ€™re parents go out of town. Invite that guy or gal youâ€™re interested in. Hopefully a little something special comes out of it.
No. Itâ€™s not. Your parents always come home at the wrong time. Trust me.
And thereâ€™s definitely nothing more embarrassing than your father shouting â€œattaboyâ€ while youâ€™re in the throes of passion.
3. The car
As we work down this list hand-in-hand, weâ€™re starting to get a little more kinky.
And yes, spicing up the good old love life can be a good thing, but you always run the risk of getting caught.
The car is especially dubious. Youâ€™re in public, ooh. Someone might be watching, rawr.
That person might have a badge. And a gun. And police the laws about indecency.
â€œI swear officer, we were just looking for an earring â€¦ in our underwear â€¦ sweating.â€
4. At work
Office romances are always intriguing. And always wrong, or at least thatâ€™s what our lawyer told us to say.
You spend the majority of your time around co-workers, if you actually have a job, and youâ€™re bound to have a crush on someone.
But itâ€™s never OK to bring that love into the newsroom, I mean office, because itâ€™s inappropriate.
Clearly youâ€™re supposed to sneak around outside the office. Unless you have an office. Or a cubicle.
5. On an airplane
Remember that scene from â€œVegas Vacationâ€ when Chevy Chase and Beverly Dâ€™Angelo try to hook up in the bathroom of an airplane.
And how did that end? With old Chevy putting his foot in the toilet.
The allure of being a Mile High Club Member is pretty powerful, but be aware. Nothing like explaining to the FBI that you just wanted to get some high-altitude nookie.
Plus, you canâ€™t even really fit two people in those bathrooms.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart is a little upset that more than 50 percent of poll takers on Collegian.com wouldnâ€™t date him. Help me out loyal readers. He can be reached at email@example.com.