At weekâ€™s end, millions of viewers, sports fans and non-sports fans alike, will focus their attention on a 360 by 160 foot plot of grass in south Florida as super-human-sized men trample up and down the field with a synthetic leather ball.
Some call this the NFL championship, or the Super Bowl. Others see it as an opportunity â€¦ to party.
Though some unfortunate souls (me) will be at work, many of you (my loyal readers) will gather into small, sometimes cramped rooms with a group of your closest 10 to 100 friends to watch sportâ€™s greatest game.
Or for the commercials. Or for the free booze. Or to hook up. Whatever.
Oh, and if you didnâ€™t know about the Super Bowl or werenâ€™t invited to a party, no need reading further.
And you engineers know who you are.
But nothing brings together a good Super Bowl party like finger foods â€“â€“ almost as much as the flatulence caused by said food rips people apart.
So this weekâ€™s Top Five chronicles the digit delicacies served on the holiest of Sundays: Super Bowl Sunday.
1. Beer and alcohol
Let me make a disclaimer first before delving into this one. In no way, shape or form do I condone the sale or use of alcohol by minors and do not condone improper usage by legal adults.
Now that thatâ€™s out of the way, who wants to get rowdy?
And for those of you barking at the newspaper in the middle of your class because beer isnâ€™t a food, let me give you some advice: One, stop barking because you look ridiculous. Two, it fits into the rigid definition of finger foods found in my head.
Can you hold bottles and shot glasses in your hand? Check. Can you consume it? Check. Enough for me.
But remember to hide your Sharpies, always take off your shoes and never trust your buddies.
2. Little Smokies
Mmm â€¦ I just love wieners. Especially when theyâ€™re miniature sized. OK, all innuendo aside, these little hot dogs are just delightful.
Little Smokies are a great standby for Super Bowl parties. You can have them plain, you can have them in barbecue sauce and you can even have them in little, tiny blankets.
How can you deny a food that you can pick up with a toothpick? And what would those people in the grocery aisle give out for free if there werenâ€™t Little Smokies?
Cheesy goodness â€“â€“ always a good thing. Combine that with the crunchy awesomeness of corn chips and youâ€™ve got a fiesta.
From bowling alleys to stadium concourses, nothing says â€˜Iâ€™m going need a few extra napkinsâ€™ than a container full of nachos.
But one question still remains: How do you make that cheesy liquid? Itâ€™s not natural, and no matter how you microwave shredded cheddar it just turns more rubbery.
Trust me, Iâ€™ve tried it.
This is a rare finger food because sliders arenâ€™t much known for exposing themselves in the Rocky Mountain region. It is very important to not approach the slider hostilely, and for the love of God donâ€™t show your teeth.
Actually, none of that is true. Hopefully you noticed. If not, you wonâ€™t notice that sliders are actually just tiny hamburgers and thus this whole sub-head wonâ€™t make sense.
Since they are so small though, be careful. You might think that eating 10 sliders is OK because theyâ€™re smaller, but youâ€™re wrong. Youâ€™re really just eating three regular hamburgers, which is bad.
Your colon agrees.
5. Chicken wings
Chicken wings are pretty boring. I love them, donâ€™t get me wrong, but theyâ€™re not interesting.
You have wings at every occasion. Have a baby? Get some wings. Circumcision? Get some wings. Find out you got a sexually transmitted disease from your ex? Well, maybe get penicillin, but then wings when youâ€™re cured.
But you canâ€™t leave wings off the list. Itâ€™s just against tradition. Wings and football go hand-in-hand like, well, beer and football. Or beer and wings.
Mmm â€¦ beer and wings. Sorry, back on topic.
If you follow my very convoluted, very rigid directions on what to make for your Super Bowl party, Iâ€™m sorry. But at least youâ€™ll have a few good ideas to start with.
And maybe youâ€™ll be able to enjoy your day of football greatness, at least until your buddy Mike or Jennifer starts puking in the bathroom.
Where are the hair ties?
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart thinks alcohol is a finger food. Search online for the Facebook group. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.