Is it bad that I keep my condoms in the same drawer as my Bible?
Best morning ever: Catching your neighbor with her blinds open as she is topless and in a thong brushing her hair at 7:30 a.m.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, not screaming like the passengers in my car.
The upside to being dumped this weekend: I can openly resume my hatred of Valentineâ€™s Day.
Iâ€™m 98 percent sure texting while youâ€™re in the bathroom stall is unsanitary, and 100 percent sure that Iâ€™ll never shake your hand.