As you can probably tell, or maybe not, but whatever, this week’s main Verve story isn’t your average article. In fact, it’s not an article at all. It’s an editorial.
Normally, you — the reader — would turn to this page each Thursday to find a band profile or some nifty feature. But not today.
In the spirit of the upcoming holidays and winter break, I’ve decided to write you something from the heart (Get it? Something from the Hart … my name. Pun definitely intended).
But in all seriousness, well sort of, I want to bestow upon you, in all of my infinite wisdom, some tips on how to survive during the month-long winter break.
Tip: Don’t eat yellow snow
Most students should know this by now, but yellow snow is, well, unhealthy. But that’s beside the point, which is: Don’t be stupid.
With break looming, students are going stir crazy. But calm yourself young Rambling, because if you don’t you’ll find yourself doing something rash after all your current responsibilities, go by the wayside.
Skinny-dipping in Horsetooth does sound fun, but not in December. That 30-foot cliff you want to ski off will hurt. And it’s not cute get your tongue stuck to a light poll.
Just try to keep your bones, and apparently tongues, intact and out of any sort of situation where you might need bail money.
Tip: Take some ‘me time’
So yeah, you probably don’t need someone to tell you that you should take a break during break. But don’t feel guilty if you do take some much needed “me time.”
Get a massage. They tell me those are lovely.
Sleep in. Don’t let anyone tell you that 14 hours is too long for sleep. Between that and eating and drinking, there’s clearly two usable hours in the day.
Speaking of drinking, grab some 40s, sit on your couch and play Modern Warfare 2 until your eyes burn — or until your brain melts. For this one, however, you’ll have to be of age, a male, not in a relationship and enjoy getting a terrible hangover.
And make certain you don’t forget that the holidays aren’t about giving and family. They’re all about you.
Tip: Spend time with family and friends
Be warned about this tip; It will not be funny. Well, not like the other ones are and not like this can’t be, but you get the gist.
Yes, your mom can be a little overbearing. I get it; it’s totally not cool of her to show your significant other baby photos of you in the bathtub.
And the mornings. Ugh. Mothers must have this weird internal clock where they must wake up before the sun, and they insist on bothering you during your 14-hour slumber.
Don’t forget the drunken uncle who insists on not remembering holiday dinner. This phenomenon is called the drunkle.
But family is important. Who else puts up with your drunken shenanigans and overflowing laundry bags? Plus, you can always count on getting some underwear and socks for Christmas or Chanukah.
If you don’t have a traditional family, look to your friends because they’re just as much family as anyone, even without the whole bloodline thing.
But enough with the Richard Simmons self-help book type writing. Moving on.
And finally, tip: Read the Collegian during break
OK, OK I know … shameless plug. But the least you can do during the break is blindly read Monday’s edition of the Collegian over and over and over again.
Just ignore that you’ve read and re-read every story, it’s good infotainment.
Us editors take solace that during the month-long paycheckless period, where many of us need to sell plasma to pay the rent, at the very least someone’s reading our precious works of art.
And Collegian.com, which will be revamped over break, will have some breaking news and other content, so check there, too.
So heed my warnings and tips and ye shall have a good break and a festive holiday season. And have a merry Christmas, a happy Chanukah, a pleasant Kwanzaa, a happy New Year and a festive Festivus for the rest of us.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart’s columns don’t usually run very often in the Collegian — sporadically at best. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.