May 052009
Authors: Brain Lancaster

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment I have been dreading all semester is finally upon us. This is my last column.

Now I know a lot of you, upon reading that, immediately began rejoicing. I also know that some of you began to sob uncontrollably, and will continue to do so for days to come. For that I apologize.

As much as I really wanted to write something totally epic and life changing, I really think I’ve pretty much covered everything I wanted to in my short time here at the Collegian. As a way of consolation, please accept these tips as ways to pass the time instead of reading my column.

First of all, you could try reading the other Wednesday columnist, Johnathan Kastner. I hear he’s a superb writer, probably even better than I am. I’ve personally never read his stuff, because there’s only room in my sterile little world for one columnist: Me. And possibly Dave Barry.

Another option you have is to pay attention in class. I know some of you may balk at the idea of being productive, but sometimes learning can be beneficial in its own right. You don’t have to have your paper open to the crossword or Sudoku during every minute you spend in class.

You could also see what wonders our campus has to behold on Wednesdays.

For example, Wednesday is known as “Wheat Wednesday” at the Ramskeller, and they offer wheat beers for $2.50. So go and pick up a delicious Sunshine Wheat beer from the Skeller before class for a great price.

Now would be the perfect time to build that add-on to your zombie escape shelter, and since you won’t have to read my column on Wednesdays anymore, you have the time.

If I were you, I would probably use my new free time doing homework that I failed to complete the night before. Or not.

You could also use this time to study up on that girl that sits in front of you in your 10 a.m. core curriculum class. Facebook: The stalker’s Wikipedia.

You could read one of those pamphlets that the CSU Police Department hands out on how to ride your bike in the streets properly. If you choose not to do this, I won’t be surprised. I’ve basically given up on the idea that any bikers care about anything other than themselves.

Check out Youtube for crazy and stupid videos that you wouldn’t have had the time to ever look at until I stopped printing my column.

One that I just watched is called “Hamster Fight,” and is basically two hamsters going mental immediately upon hearing heavy metal music. There’s also “Heavy Metal Dog,” which is pretty funny too.

The weather is getting warmer, so tanning outside wouldn’t be a very bad idea, and you won’t have to hold the paper and block out the sun now while you read my column.

Basically, while you’re on campus, and even off, there’s no shortage of things to do instead of reading my column. But I’m glad you did.

Thanks for all the fun times and feedback, I hope you enjoyed reading my nonsensical rants and raves.

Stay cool, CSU.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English Major. He will be missed. Letters and feedback can be sent to

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