To the group of people who are always at Chippers making a bunch of noise: Try as you might, bowling is just not cool.
To my friend who made himself bleed while masturbating: I remember my first time.
To the couple making out on the corner of Meldrum and Laurel: If you are going to put your love life on display, please give us all a better show by actually embracing each other as opposed to awkwardly kissing with your hands at your sides. Thank you.
To the pregnant lady out at the bars: I trust your judgement.
Dear Drivers: The turn signal is meant to indicate your INTENTION to turn, NOT that you are ALREADY turning. You might get less one-fingered waves …
To the girl whose Smirnoff rolled out of her backpack as she fell down the stairs in Clark. I am sorry, but “finder’s keepers.”
The reason there are more beautiful girls the farther north you go on campus can be explained in two words: Business College
To all my fellow females on campus: your shorts should not be shorter than the width of your thighs.