Apr 132009
Authors: Ian Bezek

If you see any neoconservatives this week, please be kind. It’s been difficult for hard-line Republicans across our nation since the defeat of John McCain.

The end of Dubya’s tenure was tough enough to swallow, but the rise of a likable leftist has been devastating to the American Right’s psyche.

It was bad enough that President Obama doesn’t love the three G’s: God, guns and the gold standard. However, Obama appears to be even worse than Karl Rove’s nightmares. Obama has taken sixties era rhetoric to heart and is in fact giving peace a chance.

This week has been particularly disturbing as rumors of diplomacy turned into a full-blown outbreak of peace talks.

Obama has decided to engage the governments of even the most disreputable of nations. For instance, Obama is talking with the government of Iran — the same Iran that was part of Bush’s Axis of Evil.

Honestly, I was amazed Bush didn’t bomb Iran back to the Stone Age. However, after more deliberation, I realized Bush couldn’t find Iran on the map and accidentally invaded Iraq instead. Mistakes happen.

Anyway, I was saying how this hippy, Obama, is trying to use peaceful means to interact with the world. Obama made a particularly bold statement this week when he said, “the United States is not, and will never be, at war with Islam.”

Well shoot — there goes Dick Cheney’s plans for a new crusade against Muslims. How is Halliburton supposed to get government contracts when America isn’t fighting barbaric religious conflicts?

Clearly, President Obama and his liberal allies read that part of the Bill of Rights about the free practice of religion too literally. The Founders didn’t actually mean freedom of religion for all religions – they were only referring to Lutherans, Baptists and Methodists, you know?

How now are we supposed to destroy all the infidels who don’t follow our specific brand of Christianity? People like conservative firebrand Ann Coulter must be terrified.

She had this to say about Muslims: “I think our motto should be post-9-11, ‘raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.'”

How are intolerant zealots like her supposed to act out their inhumane fantasies? This outbreak of peace from the liberal left is threatening the wishes of Muslim-hating bigots throughout the American heartland.

Obama isn’t just trying to terminate America’s practice of religious warfare, he’s also threatened to improve the future, saying, “We will demonstrate through actions our commitment to a better future . And when people look back on this time, let it be said of America that we extended the hand of friendship to all people.”

This has got to be the scariest of all to demoralized neocons. You see, the Bush approach was to make a better future – for America. By bombing all our enemies back to the Stone Age, we could secure all the world’s resources, in particular oil, for ourselves.

Under the Obama peace agenda, we’ll have to share the world’s resources with the rest of the world’s people. Even worse, we’ll have to be friends with everyone. This radical peace agenda hurts weapons makers particularly hard.

Suddenly we have no use for our ammunition and no need for another generation of stealth bombers. Obama’s policies threaten to cause massive job losses at America’s corporate war machine.

If Obama isn’t stopped, massive job losses at Boeing and Lockheed Martin are sure to be in the future.

I’m calling on Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to lead, as Teddy Roosevelt did in Cuba, a private militia to the Middle East. Not only does this approach get these thugs out of our country, it also gives them a chance to carry out in action the policies they’ve always called for. Plus, I hear Cheney is quite a good marksman.

Ian Bezek is a junior economics major. His column appears Tuesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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