Jan 272009
Authors: Brian Lancaster

Attention, America.

I have just discovered what I hope to be the next big trend that will come sweeping through our nation.

I happened by this news article while browsing CNN.com. I was looking for things to write about, because, let’s face it, this town is great but not necessarily action-packed.

And I found the holy grail. Humor editorial writing gold, frankincense and even a little myrrh.

I want you to imagine my glee as I looked at the homepage of CNN.com and saw this headline: “Workers urged: Go home and multiply.”

Oh yes.

First of all, I’d like to give personal props to the writer for CNN who had to take a serious approach to the topic that he was given. Personally, if I was told to write about this topic, I wouldn’t be able to resist turning in a five hundred word article of innuendos and “sleeping on the job” jokes.

The article is about how the employees at Canon headquarters in Japan are being released from work early two days a week for the specific purpose of baby-making.

Apparently, the birthrate in Japan is sitting at a steady 1.34 (whatever that means, in terms of measurements), and they need to raise it to 2. To do so, Keidanren, a business group that includes over 1,300 major international corporations, has urged all of its companies to find ways to increase the birthrate.

It’s just the slightest bit hilarious to me that the country that has out-produced, out-thought, out-engineered, and out-worked America to the point of becoming the new standard in technologically advanced, and – dare I say it? – first-world countries, has basically worked itself into a crisis.

Maybe if they didn’t work 12-hour days, they would have more time for humping.

In fact, in the article, it even cites the long work day for reasons why the women haven’t been pumping out babies as much recently.

This startling new development has stirred a great feeling of patriotism within me. Why haven’t we jumped on this bandwagon?

This country has a habit of trying to mimic Japan’s culture as much as possible (Pokémon, anime, video games, to name a few American conversions), so I’m just wondering when American business-people get to leave their offices twice a week in order to jump in the sack with their co-workers.

Or even better, let’s get everyone in on the action and let college classes out early so we can do what comes naturally to college students.

If the Japanese are doing it, then it must be a good idea. I say that we Americans start doing what we do best and meld the culture of others with ours. For the betterment of America, we should start a nationwide initiative to start making more children.

Of all the weird trends to come out of Japan-and let’s face it, the Japanese have come up with some fairly weird stuff – this initiative to have more kids seems like a perfectly great, completely sane idea. I’m willing to support it fully, should an initiative be started to populate our great country a little more.

It’s my duty as an American.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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