Nov 112008
 
Authors: Brian Lancaster

I have a story for you, Colorado State. I was in the process of writing what was sure to be an amazing column about the positive effects of negative political ads, when I stumbled upon an interesting piece of news.

I don’t necessarily know how much attention this story received since it was published two days before the most recent presidential election, but it definitely should have been on the front page of every newspaper in America.

I was so taken aback by the headline of this particular news article that I had to stop writing my column, even though my deadline was fast approaching, and read what it was about.

The news story, written by Nick Squires in Rome for telegraph.co.uk on Nov. 3, appeared with the headline “Priest ‘smashes chair’ over Italian restaurant owner’s head as nuns kick him in the stomach.”

Please feel free to take a moment and reattach your jaw and/or stop laughing hysterically.

This article is all the hilarity and complete awesomeness that it promises and more.

Apparently, the unnamed priest and nuns were causing a fracas in the restaurant, so the restaurant owner rushed to it to see what all the commotion was about. I like to imagine he barged in the front door and asked “What’s all this, then?” in the style of a British constable, but then again, maybe I watch entirely too much Monty Python.

In an official statement made by the owner of the restaurant, he claims that, “I came down to try to calm things down but the priest hit me with a chair and I ended up on the floor. Then the two sisters started kicking me, insulting me with unrepeatable words.”

Once again, you may take a moment to collect yourself.

The sheer ridiculousness of this news story has me almost at a loss for words. I immediately forwarded the Web site to my friends who were on Facebook at the time, and they agreed: This story is absolutely hilarious.

The priest and nuns are members of a religious order known as the Disciples of Santa Teresa and the Baby Jesus, which owns the property that the restaurant is built on.

No reason is given for why the religious crusaders were in such a violent mood, but I would like to think that there isn’t a sufficient reason for the havoc that they created, especially since they were men and women of the cloth.

That being said, I hope that eventually the trio explains that they were furious about the appallingly low number of crucifixes in public view in the restaurant, or, even better, that their spaghetti sauce reminded them of the blood of Jesus and they went into a bloodlust-induced, vengeful rampage.

I know it makes little to no sense, but it’s still fun to think about.

Anyway, the owner of the restaurant was admitted to a hospital with neck and abdomen injuries, but also a killer story to tell at future parties.

If you don’t end up getting laid at a party when you tell that story, then there may not be justice in the world anymore.

The most unreasonably odd part of this news story is that the lawyer for the priest and nuns stated that “the clergy members deny the allegations.” The clergy members decided to go against what the witnesses have claimed and deny the charges.

By the way, the aforementioned witnesses described the scene as reminiscent of a “saloon bar brawl,” circa the American westward expansion days.

And people say there’s no good news anymore.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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