It’s an amazing thing to witness, the slow but sure death of a friend’s man freedom as he progresses in a relationship. I’ve experienced it, the systematic trampling, removal and bartering of a man’s soul to further the female agenda.
I’m confident all men in college have either been a victim or witness to the oppression of man freedom or “mandom” for short.
Well, maybe engineering majors don’t know what I’m saying. They’re still investigating a complex mathematical equation with which they hope to control their own gravitational force to attract women. And I wish them luck.
According to the McSwane dictionary of made up terms, mandom is defined as man’s ability to do as he pleases — to employ the sniff test with yesterday’s boxers in lieu of doing laundry, to Febreeze if those garments didn’t pass the test, to barbecue in freezing temperatures, to spend an entire Saturday watching James Bond films (by the way, they’re all on Comcast On Demand right now; check it out).
Anyway, back to my point. It’s a disturbing phenomenon at first: man meets woman, man likes woman, woman identifies man’s vulnerabilities, woman gathers predictable data as to the worth of his soul, woman acquires soul despite his friends’ best defensive strategies, and finally, woman sells soul at www.wewantyoursoul.com (this is a real Web site) for new shoes.
In the end, he’s complacent, sedated and watching “Sex and the City” secured tightly under a pink comforter.
Actually, that nightmare was my own once, so maybe I shouldn’t project. But I’ll undoubtedly and willingly fall for it again, as will most men. It is man’s predictable fate.
The truth is, women are better than men. Wait! What? Yes. I’m saying it. Women are better, smarter and more important than men. And I’m not joking.
Men either pick their noses long enough to realize women won’t like them if they don’t get a job, or they overcompensate to mask their relative incompetence despite their ascribed status in our society. Those oblivious to the construct become engineering majors and find solace in the sea of men who didn’t get the memo either.
Really, I think a man gladly sells his soul for the comfort of knowing a woman, the holders of relationship hegemony, has his back.
Think about the slightly sexist idiom, “Behind every great man is an even greater woman.” True, but what the hell is that about? And why are men getting all the credit?
It’s because men are routinely thrust into positions of power and greatness they don’t deserve — that we achieved because from birth we were told we must. And I think each and every man realizes it at one point or another.
Think about all the times you’ve seen a gorgeous woman walking through the plaza with a swamp-donkey man attached to her side. Can you think of a time you saw a good-looking guy with a she-troll? I doubt it. Why do you think that is? It’s because women have an innate wisdom that has eluded men for thousands of years — an incredible capacity for understanding compassion and emotion. And because we fear what we do not understand, many of us limit ourselves to aesthetic beauty. We’re idiots.
It is at this stage of enlightenment — in my case, inconsolable fear of a greater force — that we gladly hand over our souls because we are simply out of our league.
Oh, what the hell am I talking about? It’s mostly sex. Women will always have that on us. Unless . unless, we take it back. We must eliminate the power and allure of sex that continues to quash mandom at every turn. We must become completely impervious to sex to fully realize inner mandom. It’s time for revolution.
With their expertise in the area of celibacy, we’ll need engineering majors to lead the resistance.
J. David McSwane is a single senior journalism and technical communication major still in possession of his soul. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.