Oct 292008
Authors: Brian Lancaster

I’ve spent the last week in a fairly heavy debate with myself, trying to figure out the most important question of the year.

I’ve weighed the options heavily, considered pros and cons and even possible legal consequences, but I still can’t make any kind of clear-cut decision on what I want to be for Halloween.

My first costume idea was a group idea with some of my friends to get some boxes and construct real-life transformer outfits. It would’ve been the most kick-ass Halloween costume on campus — I’m fairly sure of it. However, the amount of effort (and engineering) it would take to build said costume was beyond the level of effort I was willing to put into something that I would only wear once.

One of my good friends suggested that I dress up as A.W.S.O.M.-O, the robot that Eric Cartman dresses up as to trick Butters in a South Park episode. I still haven’t ruled that one completely out, but I need a box big enough to fit my body, which could be a problem, because I’m pretty tall.

However, as I was thinking about these costumes, I could only envy the easy decisions that all girls must make this time of year.

I tried to put myself in the college girl’s shoes to examine their decision-making process. Maybe I would learn something from how they made their decisions and gain a deeper respect for the females of the world because of their ability to choose one option out of thousands. Here’s what I thought:

“Oh my, Halloween is fast approaching, and I have yet to think of anything to wear! My heavens, what to do, what to do .

“Ooh, I have that pink lingerie set I bought earlier this year, mayhap that would be perfectly accented by a pair of bunny ears. Yes, the possibilities are endless with this one: a playboy bunny, the energizer bunny, the Easter bunny, among so many others!

“But let’s keep looking.

“Oh my, there’s that police officer uniform that I wore for Halloween a few years ago. How the memories are flooding back! What a classic costume idea, and maybe one of my good friends would wish to buy the matching firefighter’s costume! Oh how jocular our Halloween would be then!

“I could use the tight black pleather shirt I bought a while ago and say I’m dressed up as a goth, or a member of the Kiss army — or I could add some fishnet stockings and fake teeth and say I’m a vampire. Tried and true costumes, to be sure.

“But if I wanted to be something original — let’s see, I could wear just this khaki vest my dad gave me and go as a fisherwoman! Oh the fun that would be, and I would look so fetching!

“Maybe I could wear just a life vest and attend my Halloween festivities as a simple backwater canoeing guide! Oh, but that is one idea that would demonstrate both my originality and love for the great outdoors!”

I’m sorry, folks. As much fun as this is, I think I should stop here. You know, Halloween is great, but it just wouldn’t be as fun without the unique and individual costume ideas from both men and women to make us smile and realize how fun life really is.

And plus, because of my trip through the college girl’s psyche, I have decided what I will be for Halloween:

I’m going to wear just a Speedo and say I’m Michael Phelps.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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