In between attack ad dreams

Oct 262008
Authors: J. David McSwane

This election season is so exciting that it’s seeped into my subconscious, nightly haunting my dreams. And I’m not talking about those Nancy Pelosi friction-burn-erotica dreams engineering majors talk about. I’m talking in-your-face political reveries.

One dream included a closed-door conversation with Obama strategists — one turned to the other and said, “Democrats like a little cream with their president, Bill. I say we pick Joe Biden.” And viola! We have a black Kennedy and a silvery, sexy Lyndon B. Johnson.

It is my subconscious’ analysis of a much closer election, however, that memory saved in lucid high definition.

It’s the most terrifying of nightmares — the 4th Congressional District seat where incumbent bigot Republican Marilyn Musgrave is throwing everything but her blouse (thank God) at Betsy Markey, possibly the most unremarkable challenger the Democrats could have conjured. But with the nation’s too-late revelation that Republicans in office have crapped on the Constitution and scorned the global community, Markey is poised to take the seat that’s been clenched in their talons since 1972. And it’s not for a lack of muckraking.

Here’s how that dream replays in my head:

“Marilyn Musgrave is a money-grubbing, fire-breathing chimera blasted from the inner sanctum of Satan’s colon for an evil mission,” the TV said. “Defending white, disenfranchised, chew-spitting, incestuous crotch rots.”

Now that’s an attack ad I can really sink my teeth into, I told myself in the dream. Then I returned to my inspirational self-help book, “Chicken Soup for the Guy Who Doesn’t Know They Sell it in Cans.”

Oh, wait. There’s more.

“And she said she hates Colorado weather (Eaton High School Gazette, 1966). And she hates gay people (true, actually).”

That’s gonna hurt.

“Coloradans for equal rights and other novel ideas are responsible for the content of this message.”

Weird. But, ooh. Another campaign ad.

“Betsy Markey’s soul is colder than a dead baby seal in the dead of night (Republican slam poetry contest, 2008). (Dramatic music) . and she had sex outside of marriage . with an engineering student at CSU (yeah, we made that up).”

Sex with an engineering major? Why, that’s impossible. I must be dreaming, so I pinched myself. Pinch. Hey, stop that. Stop what? You did it. Dumbass. You’re a dumbass. But I’m you. Oh, real mature.

Despite my sincerest efforts, I couldn’t escape the nightmare.

“(Lollypops, rainbows and happy music with a slight hint of background squirrel sex) But Marilyn Musgrave will fight to keep the gays from having rights. Don’t you want to live in a gay-free state?”

What? That’s not cool!

“Coloradans for sweet wildlife stuff are responsible for the content of this advertisement.”

Then I woke to my obnoxious roommate pounding on my door after I slept through an hour of alarm, which I keep tuned to Fox News Radio (best comedy on earth).

I’m sad to say, my dear friends, these awesome dreams are nearing their end, and we probably won’t be seeing much of that in the next week. As the election comes to a close, Republican leaders have dramatically slashed their investment in TV ads — a surprising move this close to the end, especially for Musgrave’s coveted seat.

It’s probably because they’re getting their cheeks chapped in what used to be a no-effort red state for the GOP. But it’s more than a Democratic resurgence in the west that’s to blame. People are sick of being represented by Musgrave, her hate-filled agenda and her nasty, unfair attack ads.

But Musgrave’s campaign manager, Jason Thielman, told the Fort Collins Coloradoan (CSU’s other public relations firm): “This is a clear indication the (National Republican Congressional Committee) believes Marilyn is in a strong position to close this race out with a victory in November.”

Nothing shows confidence like pulling your support. But fear not, my beloved College Republicans, Marilyn’s been dubbed the Colorado Sarah Palin. Maybe $150,000 of Chanel can save the campaign.

Well, maybe in your dreams.

J. David McSwane is a senior technical journalism major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to

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