I have been in something of a daze this past week, a whimsical intellectual absence from everything happening around me.
Hmm, this must be what it’s like to be a Republican, I thought. But as I exhaled the smoke from what a friend calls “the Mark Udall experience,” I remembered that I don’t hate gay people and would never, ever have the guile to say “f*** cars” or “f*** trees.” That’s just rude.
Anyway, I’ve been lost in my thoughts: It’s unfortunate that Ray Charles didn’t live to see his movie. I keep forgetting to walk for Alzheimer’s.
Why are hardcore feminists so upset when I say “ma’am?” I mean, it’s not like I said “Hey, wench!” Why hasn’t anyone developed jumbled subtitles for deaf dyslexics?
Really, all are important issues of our day, but after a while, I felt my pondering trivial.
Until //– like Dr. Gregory House with only 15 minutes remaining in the show — I had an overwhelming epiphany: Amendment 48 is genius.
Now, the dope-smoking, sex-fiend liberals would tell you this year’s ballot measure to amend the definition of a person threatens to criminalize abortions — an action that would allow the greedy CEOs of wire hanger, vacuum and stair companies to monopolize the “oops” industry. They’ve been “Plan C” for too long.
And the engineering majors are upset because they, too, want to be defined as real people. Maybe in 2010, kids.
It’s a clever ruse, however, to disguise the true motive behind Amendment 48.
Now, I’m 21, and my birthday is in July. But if 48 passes next month, I’ll be 22. How, you ask? Basic math.
If I was a person at the time of fertilization, that tacks nine months onto my driver’s license that I was previously denied. Minors rejoice! Much to the chagrin of the political right, we’re effectively lowering the drinking age.
Those pesky minor in possession tickets could potentially be challenged. Hey creeper, it’s not so statutory anymore. How does early retirement sound? Bill Gray, you’re now officially older than evolution (anyone else find it weird that the nation’s foremost authority on hurricanes lives in land-locked Colorado? He must be on to something).
Engineering majors, you just added another nine months of virginity into the bank, and you didn’t even have to renew your online porn subscriptions.
Single mothers, that deadbeat dad owes you another nine months of child support. Call your lawyers.
Pregnant ladies, you’re now glorified strollers — charge rent. As for your horny male partners, they’re trying to involve you in a disgusting incestuous underage orgy. And that third person probably didn’t consent. That’s got to be illegal.
The amount of grief we can cause for the federal government and bouncers alike is seemingly endless. Thank you, Amendment 48.
Some of my columnist colleagues have argued in defense of sperm — technically a half-person if 48 passes — that meet their disappointing fate on the surface of off-brand tissues (that’s freakin’ genocide, engineering majors).
Well, I think that’s quite silly considering the guarantee of inalienable rights to persons and the tenants of liberty and freedom upon which this great nation was founded; being stored within the tiny confines of the vas deferens or testes is quite inhumane. I say be liberated, little ones. A man has a right to do what he wants with his body — pro-choice for men, by Gillette.
Er, that debate might be something that’s better left to the suits in Washington.
I know, of course, what you right-wing curmudgeons are thinking — we can’t stand idly by while the voters threaten to pass this hare-brained measure. But it’s time for change, so give the kids an appletini, the creeper an invitation to the next pep rally and bankrupt Planned Parenthood once and for all.
Bottom line: Amendment 48 is genius. Vote yes. I would if I hadn’t already sold my vote on Ebay to fund my growing arsenal of Plan B pills. I’m gonna be rich.
J. David McSwane is a senior technical journalism major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.