Oct 072008
Authors: Brian Lancaster

Life as a senior is hard. Seriously: all your classes start being smaller, professors start taking attendance, and the subject matter is more advanced.

But even worse than all the educational hardships that seniors face are the moral and social obligations that they must endure. Freshmen actually, at times, respect seniors and the advice they have to give.

As a first-year senior at this fine institution for higher education, I didn’t expect so much responsibility, and, honestly, I don’t want it. However, it is because of my years of experience and wisdom that I do feel a slight obligation to pass on my knowledge to the younger generation.

Giving advice, though, seems a little namby-pamby, so it is with my overflowing pride and ego that I present to you my words of wisdom, given to you, my loyal readers (all three of you), in the form of policies. Let’s call these the Lancaster Laws.

Bikers shall obey the laws of the road.

This one seems fairly straightforward in theory, but so does communism, and so far, neither has really worked out all that well. So bikers, please read the little book that the CSUPD has given you and follow those rules. I’m so tired of watching people on bikes blow through stop signs, ride side-by-side in the bike lanes and tear through the dismount zones on campus.

No person involved in asking questions in the plaza shall be allowed to talk to anyone wearing headphones.

This is the new rule for all of you wonderful people with clipboards, Bibles, and burning (haha, get it?) questions in the plaza. Sometimes, talking with you is fun and convenient. Most of the time, it’s not.

From now on, the rule is that anyone wearing headphones shall not be disturbed. I think this is a fairly decent way to decrease the annoyance level on campus.

All students attending any CSU sporting event shall wear a green shirt, thereby contributing to the “green-out.”

This is something that I’ve really felt we’ve been missing the past few years. Other schools have a black-out, or a white-out, or something like that. But when I watch the videos of games for marching band, the student section is always multi-colored – and sparse. What we need here is more school spirit.

It is with this in mind that I proclaim that all students at any CSU game have to wear green. And also, for those of you who don’t attend games: Why not? Honestly, sporting events are a great way to get involved in your school, and the team really does love the support. And hey, the football team is on a roll this year, so let’s give them all the support we have.

Professors may not take attendance for their classes.

This one is selfish. There are some days that I just don’t want to deal with classes . but I have to go, because otherwise my grade drops. What a tremendous pain in the butt. If I wanted to be held accountable for my attendance, I would go to high school.

So there you have it: my advice for all of you, given in the format of four easy-to-understand laws.

I expect everyone to adhere to these new rules, as they go into effect the moment this column is published. I expect the higher-ranking members of the CSU Police Department to read this column and begin their enforcement immediately.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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