Oct 052008
Authors: J. David McSwane

Last week, I witnessed a sight on the plaza so disgusting that, between gut wrenches and gags, I hardly managed to avoid the Jesus folk who saturate campus when the weather is nice.

This particular morning started out like any other: I gave the proverbial stiff arm to Nevin, the creepishly sly evangelical who pursues my soul at least twice a week (truth is, I was once on my way to becoming a born again Christian, but because I ask too many questions, the church aborted me).

Once I was free of Nevin, I juked past the woman wearing a hemp sash — no doubt a conspirator in the notorious environmentalist junk mail syndicate — and politely told the hottie campaigning for Sen. Barack Obama that I didn’t have any change.

Once free of the mob, I saw it in its disgusting glory — the Collegian and the Rocky Mountain News displayed the same front-page photo of a so-called “fat cat” stockbroker pouting on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

After buying lunch and finding solace in which to devour it — against the makeshift barrier for the annual grandiose fetus display — I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to print such terrifying images. A stockbroker who has lost everything amid economic turmoil? What is the purpose of this sociological blasphemy? Have photos ever helped shape a collective conscience for the greater good? The answer is an unequivocal no if you ask some of my columnist colleagues.

But I’m not familiar with whatever they’re smoking.

I would argue that occasionally such images really make people think about the world, their own decisions, the consequences of those decisions, how we’ve progressed as a society, and so on. But after a minute’s thought I felt compelled to join our student body in addressing this important issue.

Really, I was proud to see my generation so ready to attack important subjects rather than throwing hissy fits over stupid things like, say, whose abortion display is bigger, better and more effective. So, I joined the group of concerned students.

But it became clear that these images had incited an interesting debate between students without an ample economic background who have no idea what to do and students who know their stuff but still have no idea what to do (read today’s “Our View.” Bummer).

As I enjoyed my lunch in the shadow of a towering fetus, I realized just how screwed we really are.

Without the wherewithal to save ourselves or the knowledge and foresight to protect our markets, we’ve become impotent. We’re like engineering majors devoid of remedial college-level sexual education. Blind, slobbering and confused.

That’s when it hit me: We need to abort the economy. If there’s anything our liberal democracy has shown us, it’s that when stuff gets really bad and we might possibly have to take responsibility for our stupidity, we can just abort.

And as far as the economy goes, I’m definitely pro-choice.

Now, I know this sounds downright rude. We can’t just drop the economy off in some back alley dumpster. No, that’s quite rude. And those silly economic pro-lifers will revolt.

But considering the ugly offspring of what Sen. Barack Obama calls an “orgy of spending” in Washington, it’s time to tell Freddie and Fannie to kiss the impoverished middle class’ butt cheeks.

Sure, reports show Congress put unfair pressure on these corporations to guarantee risky loans and mortgages for lower income families, so once the market fell, the government stepped in to save the corporations which it was, ironically, responsible for killing (also ironically, those corporations were partially responsible for bringing liquidity to the market after the Great Depression).

Regulation doesn’t work, nor does intervention, it seems. Maybe flat out apathy and free market philosophy could do the trick.

All things considered, this ugly baby has too many complications, and the American public would be better off to abort.

No more financial whining into the early morning, no more rattling the Boehners in the House to start caring, no more partisan parent bickering over who’s responsible for the naughty economic offspring.

If we abort the economy we’d be free from the oppression of nasty, yet true, images that make us uncomfortable and remind us of our collective irresponsibility. We just can’t have that.

J. David McSwane is a senior political science major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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