Ladies and gentlemen of the CSU campus, I am afraid I have some bad news.
A few of you more astute readers may have already noticed this dire time that we’ve suddenly found ourselves in. You may have recognized it by that funny feeling in your stomach, the unusual lump in your throat, the new smell that lingers in the air.
Or, more specifically, the fact that you cannot actually smell the air. Yes, folks, it’s cold season. Or at least it is for me.
As I write this column, I am surrounded by Kleenex – mostly in a crumpled and slightly used state – a stockpile of Vitamin C and several suppositories which I pray to God I never have to use (my family doctor is a little behind on the times).
It probably doesn’t help that my house is ridiculously dirty, nor does it help that my roommates are all sick.
And it definitely doesn’t help that the nutritional value of my diet rivals that of most barnyard swine. Loyal readers, especially you freshmen out there, I will take this opportunity to remind you that you are living in a germ-infested quagmire.
Every day, you will touch doorknobs that have been touched by enough people to wage war on North Korea – and win. Freshmen, you live in dormitories. I don’t really know how much has to be said here; you will get sick. Sorry, that’s just the way it works.
My sophomore year, I was on the nasty end of a strep throat that was resistant to all forms of antibiotics. It sucked, but I’m fairly sure it was so resistant to medicine because it developed in the midst of thirty adolescent males. I’m reasonably certain that if someone took a bacterial sample of a dormitory shower and let it culture, we could look at the sample under a microscope a day later and see hordes of vicious cellular organisms collectively giving us the finger and laughing gleefully about the anti-bodies they were about to pillage.
Everybody, do yourselves a huge favor and prepare yourself for the havoc that is about to be wreaked upon your body. Go out and buy Vitamin C tablets and Emergen-C (or your preferred brand of vitamin supplement). You might even consider getting a flu shot, though I won’t, because the sight of needles makes me pee myself.
If you feel yourself getting sick, remember that the Hartshorn Health Services are probably getting swamped with sickly college students just like you, and you should probably make an appointment. If you need to make an appointment, call (970) 491-7121 and set one up.
Professors, administration and school officials, please skip the next paragraph.
Students, if you are sick, take it easy. You’d really be amazed at the amount of good that sleep can do for you. You can skip most classes – or at least have a couple unexcused absences. Use these sparingly, but honestly, if you’re going to get the rest of the class sick, please don’t go.
They might start to hate you, and honestly, no one wants to be that guy.
I guess the point that I’m really trying to make here is that you should all start taking extra special care of your bodies. They are working overtime trying to make sure you don’t get sick (or more sick).
Get your Vitamin C, plenty of rest and wash your hands frequently. Other than that, there’s not much you can do, except stock up on chicken noodle soup, Kleenex and, in the rare cases, suppositories.
Though, honestly, when it comes to that point in the game, it would probably be better to just have the sniffles.
Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.