It looks as though the protest is coming back to CSU.
On Thursday, a Viking helmet-clad, caped protestor was arrested following an incident in which he free climbed the Morgan Library, dropped a banner from the roof that read “GUCK THE FUVERMENT” and then attempted to flee on a bike stashed in the bushes.
Unfortunately, his protest was cut short when his cape, fashioned out of an American flag, got tangled up in his bike chain. After ditching his bike, he was apprehended by CSU Police after a brief foot chase.
Following the incident, the Collegian newsroom received numerous calls by a man claiming to be the protester asking us to not to release his name, fearing that would overshadow the statement he made.
When asked what point he was trying to get across, the Collegian was told “It’s about making a stand against the f***ing man.” Who exactly this man is and what he did to irk this lone acrobat, however, remains hazy.
This incident has made this much clear, though: CSU is in desperate need of direction when it comes to campus protest. Here are some tips from a Collegian insider to ensure that your protest is a success and that our editorial board won’t mock it the next day.
Have a purpose
This should go without saying. If you have nothing to protest, you ought not waste campus pedestrians’ time with your antics — even if you’re wearing a really cool Viking helmet.
Protest something fun
Sure, you may hate the government and big business, but so does everybody else. Protesting the government is about as passé as, say, reading the Collegian.
If you want your statement to be remembered, you have to go all out. Try taking on the United Nations International Children’s Fund or Oprah’s Book Club. If you’re feeling really saucy, try protesting the local elementary school (those kids are a burden on the taxpayers — they should be teaching themselves to read, right?).
Originality is the key, kids — think of something good.
Function over fashion
While theatrical costumes will definitely help to turn heads, be mindful of how they can affect your protest.
If it’s 90 degrees outside, it’s probably not the best idea to set out in a full-body squirrel suit to protest the overfeeding of campus squirrels and the unfortunate outbreak of squirrel diabetes that’s sure to follow.
In addition, if you’re planning on outrunning the fuzz on your 10-speed, an American flag cape is going to do more harm than help. Which brings us to:
Know thy escape plan
Every stupid stunt is going to raise some unwanted attention — and sometimes it can come in the form of Fort Collins’ finest, the CSUPD.
While I would never advocate running from the police, if you are inclined to add evading an officer to your wrap sheet, you ought to have all the particulars spelled out: the escape route, transportation, how many days you plan on laying low and, should you be caught, how you plan to blackmail the district attorney into dropping charges.
If you follow these key suggestions, you are well on your way to a successful campus protest.
Stick it to the man, CSU.
Editorials Editor Sean Reed is a senior political science major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.