I have promised you, dear readers, to every week deliver a collection of exaggerated and pointless ramblings of sorts that eventually alienates our celibate engineering comrades. But I am sad to say that this week I have followed the lead of my lying columnist colleagues and have broken my promise.
Considering the news of late, I’ve decided to attack one of the most challenging challenges I could challenge — the economy.
For those of you unfamiliar with economics, it would suffice to say we will soon be using Tic Tacs as currency and burning bills to keep warm. But fear not. While I was eating a free lunch that I stole from a homeless stockbroker Saturday, I brainstormed immediate solutions to this challenging challenge.
Now, many people are pointing the finger at President George W. Bush. This assertion is completely unfair and wildly inaccurate. Sources tell me the ghost of Herbert Hoover continues to haunt the halls of the White House. “Horny Hoover,” as they call him, has a habit of exposing himself to interns and whispering his economic policies to active presidents, and he’s got a naughty affection for the Republican kind.
That’s some supernatural brainwashing crap for which no man should be held responsible, so lay off, Barack Obama.
While I’m confident — as long as Crayola continues to make the nifty crayon sharpener — our president is drafting up some sort of chicken soup for the poor-ass American soul, history tells us it is the innovation and dedication of citizens that makes this country the world leader. So, here’s my plan to save the economy and Bush’s previously infallible legacy:
Alternative fuels: Develop a vehicle that runs solely on the blood of Iraqi insurgents. The world, hungry to end oil wars and reliance on the Middle East, will undoubtedly jump on the new blood war, an industry now controlled by those with the most weapons. And we’re already drilling. Cha-ching! It’s everywhere, it’s renewable and the only byproduct is less terrorizers.
But I’d encourage the government to almost immediately investigate the possibility of a hybrid that can run on Iranians, Pakistanis and for the novelty of it, Canadians. Wow, we just fixed the economy, global warming, eradicated terrorism and eliminated Nickelback. Eat it, Al Gore.
Healthcare: Create a sexually transmitted flu vaccine. While there is an argument that we should first cure sexually transmitted diseases, as Americans, we just don’t have the luxury of caring for people dying in other countries.
Not only will we have introduced to the world to the coolest cure ever, we can make billions off it. What’s more, the vaccine will mainstream a group of historically oppressed people: sluts, male and female. With this brilliant advancement, young people everywhere will be inspired to pass along the gift of health. That scantily clad tart walking by in the plaza isn’t just eye candy anymore. She’s a philanthropist.
But an auxiliary supply of the traditional vaccine and syringes should be maintained for engineering majors.
Jobs: Outsource the government. It’s no secret that everything can be done for less in another country, where the oppression of workers is too distant to feign compassion. It seems, then, that it would make sense to outsource the most expensive and inefficient function of our democracy — the government.
We can pay them about 10 percent of our current investment to do exactly what our government is already not doing. Consumer regulatory agencies can be sent to China (the market will punish those poisoning their customers), Homeland Security can be sent to Mexico (no one understands the borders like they do) and the Department of Education can finally be abandoned completely.
It’s not exclusive to the executive branch, either. I hear Russia’s a training ground for presidents and senators.
As Bush nears the end of his historic second term, all is not lost for the president and his limping party, which faces being forever associated with our failing economy. If immediate action is taken immediately, Bush can establish himself as the savior amid economic disaster.
If that doesn’t work, at least there’s a few more things to destroy.
J. David McSwane is a senior technical journalism major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.