As the 2008 presidential election continues to gain momentum and enthusiasm across the political spectrum, one divisive issue stands out in the minds of voters and pundits. I’m talking, of course, about the Iraq War.
And voters aren’t stupid. They want an answer to one of the most complex questions of our time. What is the best course of action? Should we cut and run? If we cut and run, what do we call it so we don’t sound like a bunch of pansies? Will another troop surge eradicate anti-American sentiment in the region? Should we blow them all up?
One thing is certain: Wherever this war takes us, it should be handled quickly and quietly so as not to attract attention from other key world players (or Glenn Beck) and so we don’t prime a new generation of freedom-haters.
It’s a catch-22 that’s got international relations experts and diplomats spinning their heads. But I believe the solution is right under our trigger fingers — or better yet, someone else’s trigger finger.
We need to stop fighting the war and start controlling it. War games, if you will, minus the seemingly ever-pre-pubescent Matthew Broderick.
To win this war, this country needs to, once and for all, embrace its rich neo-colonial, imperialistic tendencies. We’ve occupied Iraq, and now it’s time to reshape it, but we need to drop that whole democracy kick the papers keep ranting about. We need to establish another totalitarian regime, one sympathetic to the U.S. and its allies — one that rules with an iron fist so we don’t have to.
Next, we must arbitrarily stratify the country by creating a system in which the U.S., very covertly and seemingly invisibly, chooses who has wealth, influence and power . and a Wal-Mart in their neighborhood.
In my opinion, it would be best to give the terrorist groups the goods and breakdown the peaceful types so as to avoid an immediate coup. In time, of course, a bloody coup is desirable because, after all, they are freakin’ terrorists!
History tells us that with every occupation, economic overhaul, redistribution of wealth and subsequent departure comes civil war. Now, the beginning and the end of the problem lie solely with the Iraqi people.
As Congress sits back and debates the proper approach to growing conflict in Iraq, the plan will take care of itself.
After months of brutal treatment of the proletariat, a few resistance leaders will inevitably emerge to fight the tyranny. In God’s name and for freedom, the U.S., the global hegemonic leader and vanguard of democracy, would be obligated to restore peace and order by empowering the resistance.
Now, it’s time to buy American. Let all our brave soldiers go to college. No stop loss, no hardball recruiting tactics needed. Through top-secret contracts with private, for-profit tactical organizations like Blackwater, the U.S. can train and supply the insurgency free of international accountability or political scandal.
But civil war doesn’t just happen overnight; some provocation is key. Whatever the catalyst, it must be gut-wrenchingly obvious and demand an immediate response — a violent and swift overtake.
I would lobby for the introduction of the band Nickelback to the region, but any number of Canadian artists could elicit the urge to immediately overthrow the establishment and stop the pain, even if it means death. It’s sound international policy, and anyone who argues with me is either a terrorist or worse — sympathetic to Canadian music.
For fun, the winners of the war will have access to hundreds of good albums sold exclusively at Wal-Mart.
In the end, the Iraqi people will have fought for the government they desired, they will have had complete control over the future of their country and they’ll remember how the Americans helped them. They will either hate their own, the remaining members of the old regime, or they’ll hate Canada, which leaves us in the clear.
While this all sounds quite brilliant, I can’t take all the credit (though I will fight for the Nickelback credit come judgment day). No, I’m afraid our current government had the meat and potatoes long ago. I just added the broth and a little honesty.
Like most spiraling disasters, a solution doesn’t come easy. But I assure you that whoever said one can’t dig himself out of a hole clearly wasn’t American. With a little moral flexibility and a good ol’ American work ethic, the man they call one can most certainly dig at a proverbial upward angle.
J. David McSwane is a senior technical journalism major. His column appears occasionally in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.