Let me make one thing clear right from the start: I love the town of Fort Collins. I decided to come to Colorado State solely because it was located in this town.
That being said, there are times when I, in a blind rage, completely regret moving to Fort Collins.
Coincidentally, all of these moments seem to happen when I am in the car.
Citizens of Fort Collins: you drive me absolutely insane when I am driving around town. I knew nothing of road rage before I got here, but now we are frequent acquaintances.
It is in the spirit of mutual sanity that I offer these suggestions to you, and hopefully, together, we can make the world a calmer place.
First, obey the speed limit. Oddly, this suggestion has nothing to do with speeding.
By all means, that would be a blessed improvement. No, my problem is being stuck behind a mob of cars going mind-numbingly slow.
I am a reasonable man, and I would never demand an entire populace to speed excessively.
The general rule of thumb for most drivers is four to seven miles per hour over the limit. However, I would rejoice if everyone that I have to follow on the road at least met the limit.
Citizens of Fort Collins: five under is no longer an option.
Secondly, bikers, may I have your attention please?
I know this may be news to some of you, but did you know that there are bike laws in Fort Collins? Crazy, you say? I beg to differ.
You see, Fort Collins has been kind enough to designate a generous amount of road space in the streets around town as bike lanes. What a fantastic idea, you say?
My, you’re suddenly opinionated.
Yes, indeed, bike lanes. And when a person chooses to make use of a bike lane, they are considered to be a vehicle. Like a car, except with less weight. Hence, there are now rules to follow.
Did you know that, as a bike rider, you are supposed to stop at stop signs and red lights just as if you were driving?
Did you know that, as a bike rider, if you and your friend decide to ride side by side in a bike lane, you are breaking the law?
I’m not a legal stickler, but I swear to Deity that if I hit a biker who has run a stop sign or red light, I will not feel sorry. I will probably laugh, and then I will write a column about it.
One more thing – and citizens, you can tune out for this last one.
Government of Fort Collins, listen to me real quick.
Bike lanes are great; really, they are. When they’re used correctly. But removing left turn lanes and cramming more lanes onto roads for the sake of adding bike lanes is irresponsibly dangerous.
You, as the overlords of our fair community, are charged with the sacred task of keeping us safe, rich and beautiful.
Three jobs. If you get a 67 percent in a college class, you barely get credit.
Two out of three is, in this case, reprehensible.
Left turn lanes and bike lanes are no longer equal in value (they never really have been), so please, please, please stop trading one for the other.
You know, citizens, the funny thing is . after writing all of this for you, the cheerful, oblivious slow-driving citizens of Fort Collins, I feel slightly better.
Brian Lancaster is a junior English major. His column appears occasionally in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.