Jan 292008
Authors: Phil Elder

Our fearless leader and beloved president’s last State of the Union address aired on Monday night, for all of America to witness.

Expecting another boring strain of mission statements and self-proclaimed heroism, I instead found myself riveted by his confidence, even pride (some say audacity) as he spewed his seventh and final series of lies, warps of truth and propagandist refuse that would put Stalin’s PR guy to shame.

In the spirit of this annual political tradition, I would like to dedicate this column to our fallen angel’s final speech to his people, and subsequently recap his success as our 43rd president.

On the economy: “In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth.”

This confidence, naturally, can spawn from our $850 billion deficit, unprecedented mortgage defaults and plummeting housing market, record oil prices and the weakest dollar that the United States has ever seen.

Not to worry, though, you are in no serious financial threat — as long as you move to Europe.

On Iraq: “The advance of liberty is opposed by terrorists and extremists — evil men who despise freedom, despise America and aim to subject millions to their violent rule.”

Terrorists are no democratic activists, this I won’t deny. Our dismantling of the Iraqi government, however, has given them not only a base of operations in the region where there was once a dictator to suppress and silence them, but also has rallied millions towards the jihadist cause.

Bush does, however, quell these un-American doubts with words of consolation, of comfort.

“Al-Qaeda is on the run in Iraq.”

This is accurate. They are on the run all the way to Pakistan — an unstable nuclear power the U.S. has not pressured to use force in the capturing of terrorist officers — where they enjoy freedom from attack. Way to go, Dubya.

On the environment: “. let us complete an international agreement that has the potential to slow, stop and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse gases . This agreement will be effective only if it includes commitments by every major economy and gives none a free ride.”

We have such an agreement. It’s called the Kyoto Protocol. One-hundred, seventy-four nations have signed and ratified it, including every single developed state — except the United States, of course, whose lovely leader refuses to ratify its signature, lime-lighting us not only as the single greatest producer of greenhouse gases per capita (by a long shot) but the only first world country on the planet to refuse to take a single step in helping the environment.

On the American laborer: “We must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas.”

What this means, of course, is his rejection of protectionism, the idea that Americans should at least attempt to keep American jobs in America. In short, Bush supports outsourcing.

Thus, through analysis of this comment, one finds that “empowering” the American worker means freeing him from the binds of tedious labor, and that “opening new markets overseas” means giving the tedious labor of the American worker to a less paid Indian. A true man of the people.

I would like all of you, in the spirit of reflection, to take a moment and honor our President: a man who ruined one of the strongest economies the world has ever seen; who has done all he could to drag our beloved stars and stripes into the mud of shame and resentment; who has caused the deaths of over 500,000 innocent men, women and children and a man who in any just society would be tried for treason, theft and murder and hanged until dead for the celebratory world to view and disseminate via cell phone video.

Phil Elder is a senior political science major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.

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