Well CSU, this is it; we did it. Through the duration of this column, I have viewed the progression as symbolizing the actual act of coitus. It’s harmless and silly in the beginning, but as it progresses to the end, you’re covered in fluids, a little confused as to what just happened and perhaps a little bit more sober than when it began.
So to end it all, we need to sober up and see the dangers of humping another human being and realize that that’s not all there is to life.
I would never wish that upon anyone.
I think that we should discuss, however, just how ridiculous this sport is and how little we know about it. Sex, I feel, is the great divider; men are created and broken, reputations built and destroyed. One little mistake and you could be in a situation you’ll never live down.
I have recently taken a test online and have been deemed knowledgeable on the subject of sex (I also took an ‘are you gay’ test and found out that I am in fact, not gay. Who knew?).
So to end this mess I’ve created, I am going to try to answer some frequently asked questions about the sport of humping and to enforce why I have this job and you do not. Please enjoy.
And CSU, be careful, I don’t want anybody getting hurt out there.
Q: Can I get pregnant from giving oral sex?
A: This is a good question. While I’m not entirely sure how that works, I
do know that if you go down on a guy who you picked up from the Sundance
after breaking up with your boyfriend, it will make you sob uncontrollably forcing him to sneak out of your house at five o’clock in the morning.
Q: Can I get pregnant the first time I have sex?
A: No. It is well known that vagina gnomes will protect you for the first time (I think they have little paintball guns or something). After that, they move out and you’re on your own.
Q: At what age is a guy able to get a girl pregnant?
A: Not having ever gotten a girl pregnant, I would say you need to be in you’re late 20’s before you need to worry about anything. I do know, coincidently, at what age you get to watch a girl run screaming out of your house from your buddy having asked her to put fingers somewhere fingers should never go. That age is 22.
Q: What is meant by “penetration?”
A: I believe that penetration was the name given to 17th century Protestants in France.
Q: If a guy ejaculates on my underwear/over my clothing can I get pregnant?
A: Who the hell knows; that’s gross. But if he happened to squeeze out a fudge dragon in a drunken sleep in your bed and moved you over to make it look like you did it, I do know that your chances of getting pregnant are pretty thin.
Q: What is meant by the phrase “unprotected sex?”
A: Having sex while not carrying a gun or knife, or at least a pair of nun chucks. I can’t stress this enough, CSU, you HAVE to be careful in today’s world.
And finally, CSU, I’d like to say YOU’RE WELCOME. I know you’re all thanking me somewhere deep inside. I’d like to also say thank you over the years who have made this column possible.
Well, I’m going to go catch a nap and a sandwich. You stay classy CSU.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org