Dudley Do Right

Feb 252007
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Some of you may have noticed that I have yet to talk about the actual act of coitus, the revolutionary sport of screwing, the time-honored tradition that is S-E-X. Well today, I’ve chosen to tickle your mind, excite your senses, and finger your thoughts while I talk about it.

But I’m not going to talk about the always obvious, guys-love-sex-and-can’t-live-without-it number. I’m going to expose the women’s side of it because lets face it, a single guy’s thoughts on sex are exactly what whenawomansfedup.com (which is surprisingly a one sided website) says it is: “the male species is fascinated by tights and anything else that makes their willys rise to attention.”

What is the women’s side of it you ask?

According to the government, abstinence is. Alternet.org, a website for their news magazine, says that they are way behind the times and what is “most often in these classes is that girls just don’t like sex, and therefore their main “job” is to keep boys, who do like sex, from getting any.”

Amen to that.

The reasoning for this higher understanding of women, which the government obviously possess, according to alternet.org is “because [girls] generally become aroused less easily, females are in a good position to help young men learn balance in relationships.”

Behind the time are they? A recent study that one of my fellow columnist, Nick Hemingway (I like to keep in contact with other writers that cause more of a commotion then I do) found on foxnews.com, go figure, proves this.

The study, in a very scientific and personal way, apparently asked women how long they would give up sex for a closet full of new clothes. Well, and it’s no surprise, most women said that they would, not only abstain from sex for at least 15 months, but, I would assume, play mind tricks on their partners and not tell any of them, making them think they have to work harder at it.

Fox News went on to say that “the survey, which was not scientific and was conducted online, also suggested that clothes often wear better than relationships.” Now that’s science right there.

But why stop there. I’ll bet you communists created the whole ‘female orgasm’ myth (I just always thought that was some kind of yeast infection), which has screwed up heads of millions of democracy loving males. Well today friends, I free you from this curse.

Swami Vivekananda, an early 20th century monk, felt that “the sole has neither sex, caste, nor imperfections” and that woman were created out of the mold of the Divine Mother. The U.S. government says that they are sinners here to keep boys from having sex, and I got to tell you, I believe them.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Monday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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