Dudley Do Right

Feb 112007
Authors: Dudley Kevin

In honor of Valentines Day, I thought I should touch on a phenomenon that I’ve only heard about in the movies and read about briefly in Cosmo and various other women’s magazines (come on, we all read them); dating.

For some, dating is as easy as writing for the Collegian, you wake up in a hung over state with someone offering you a job that pays little to nothing and it lasts the entirety of your senior year, but your not quite sure why. Yet for some, it’s as hard as writing for a real news paper (I love you Collegian).

Dating throughout history has gone through a fair amount of change. Thousands of years ago, it was expectable to simply club a female of your choice and drag her back to your cave (which is what some of us still resort to in a drunken horny blaze at 2 in the morning when the bars shut down).

There was of course, the era where parents would get together and pick a suitable mate for their child. This, I’m sure is every parents dream, but such is not the case any more.

Moving right along, we’re going to skip over the era of courtship, unless that means one night stand, and move into the present day. We happen to be in the era of the football player. The ‘football player’ approach (first you play the football, then you get the sweat pants, then you get the women) only works for those who are truly dedicated to sweat pants.

Yet we ‘regular’ guys (I am going to try and sound like a regular guy for the purposes of this column, but who are we kidding, I’m Kevin Dudley!) have to rely on other methods to approach this fad called ‘dating’.

Let’s look at a few options out there for those of you who aren’t Kevin Dudley.

Online dating; this is pretty much the cream of the crop in the lazy man’s dating world. You can just sit on your computer and meet horny house wives with whom to send lude pictures to, none of which are you, and none of which are her, until you both can’t handle it and have to meet. But before you do she sends you the real photos of herself which, to say the least, look like wildlife pictures a pregnant walrus, and you have to tell her you don’t trust her anymore and to stop contacting you.

Moving on.

Blind dates, again, a lazy mans approach to dating, but a golden gem if you play your cards right. You just allow your best friend’s girlfriend to set you up with one of her friends, who is kind of cute, but you happen to be feeling under the weather and think that you have gas but end up soiling your pants. You then pretend to be on the phone the rest of the night and try to ignore her so you can avoid the always awkward, aaa. I may have crapped myself conversation, only to have her follow you around for half the night. Needless to say, that situation will always end up in her giving you a ride home because you couldn’t find anybody else.

In the end, the pungency of your pants makes for a shockingly quite ride. After exiting the vehicle, with out a good bye mind you, you run to your room, clean up and then spend the rest of the night on face book telling your closest friends what happen.

But that’s just hypothetical.

Lastly, you could always change your name to Kevin Dudley. Ladies love the “come on baby, I’m Kevin Dudley” line. This will only works for the dedicated few, yet I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve spent the last four years tarnishing that name to the point where I have to use other names such as, Melissa Scott (it sounds girly, but it’s a good one) and Swoop Trenton so I can even hold a conversation with a girl.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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