Television: It corrupts our brains with filthy sexual images, beer adds, and fast food slogans such as “yo quiero Taco Bell” – no little Chihuahua, I think we’ve all yo quiero Taco Belled enough. If television had its way, it would molest our mothers and ruffy our grandmothers.
Well, I’ve come up with the solution – DTV (Dudley Television), a people’s company created for the people by the people designed for the new millennium couch potato. I am completely devoted to de-program all you consumers and make the world a better place or lazier, whichever works.
What is about to be said in this column may upset some of you consumers out there, but you’re all to lazy to do anything about it anyway so I’m not worried.
Typically, one would need lots of money, power and influence – and a lot of other things – to create a TV station. I’m going to work on that.
The first thing that has to go is the Super Bowl. Don’t worry, we are replacing it with an even bigger, better event – The Puppy Bowl featuring The Kitty Halftime Show. I’m stealing the idea from Animal Planet so I won’t have to do as much work. It’s six hours worth of puppies playing in a tiny little stadium, (commercial-free by the way) and then to break up that exciting puppy action, they add an explosion of kitty fabulousness. We’ll run it year-round; it’s gonna be good.
I’m not an idiot – I figure that our target audience at the early hours of the day are mostly alcoholics, insomniacs, degenerate online gamblers, and people with a vested interest in the gross national product of Columbia. We want to help these people straighten their lives out so we will air re-runs of cops and commercials for debt consolidation.
I’m a big fan of MTV’s “Real World/Road Rules” all-star challenges,” but I’m sick of seeing the exact same thing every single season. It’s no surprise that Tina is going to punch one of the other female cast mates, CT is going to freak out and threaten physical violence against someone else, and that everyone else is going to run a train on Tonya. It needs to be spiced up a little bit. So I’ve come up with another million-dollar idea: a new reality show simply known as “Fat Chicks with Pink Eye.” I’m a little turned on already.
To hit our target audience (college kids, bartenders and the unemployed) for several hours a day, we will run old Patriots and Red Sox games, with commercials for nothing but porn, beer and video games. How quickly we’ve abandoned our reasons for starting DTV.
Next in our completely absurd programming list will be Richard Gere hosting “America’s Next Top Hamster Model.” Now I’ve checked with the National Hamster Council and they’ve OK’d the event, as long as they can use it to recruit new members, and none of the hamsters end up in Mr. Gere’s rectal cavity. Author’s Note: There really is a body called the National Hamster Council; however, they had nothing to say about Richard Gere’s butthole.
Lastly, we have decided to dive into the reality TV show realm one more time. It will be some kind of strange hybrid between “Celebrity Fit Club” and “The Ultimate Fighter” in which random strangers off the street attack Steven Seagal with no provocation, until he feels bad enough about himself to lose the 85 pounds he’s gained since washing out of Hollywood. I think we have a good three seasons in us.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.